Just Keep Swimming!

*picture taken from HERE

The 3rd Year

Today is the 3rd anniversary. 2nd March 2009 was when it all started. Exactly 36 months ago was the day I met Death.

Am I at a better place? Is my health better? Am I getting better?

I AM at a better place. My health is SOMEWHAT better. I am in the slow process of getting better.

I am exhausted though. I so need a break. I need a break from life. From fighting. From pressing on every day. I feel like running away from all the battles that I face everyday.

This week was terrible. I was exposed to the smell of mushrooms on Tuesday night and I had hell during the middle of the night.The best part was I could not consume my usual combating-duo as I am on the road everyday. The moment I take Xyzal and Zrytec together, that is the end to my sanity and concentration. I cannot even walk down the staircase without seeing triple of one step. I can be saying a sentence and before I am even done with it, I have forgotten what I am actually saying.

So I gritted my teeth and bore the pain and drove. I threw my lunch away on Wednesday as I could feel it coming back up before I could even swallow it. The pain was so severe that it was as though I had those massive drills which are used in mines drilling in my head. I seriously wanted to die.

So today is Friday and I am exhausted. Hubby is not around and I feel like a volcano undersea at the brink of an eruption and that could cause a tsunami. I have not done the marketing. I have bed sheets waiting to be washed. My vegetables are ripened in the garden and yet I don't have the time to harvest them. I have errands to run. I have a lingering migraine which cannot be extinguished by medications because I have to drive. The insides of my ears feel as though they are stuffed with golf balls. And I have not been sleeping well since the attack on Tuesday night. I am E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D. Seriously, extremely, terribly exhausted. And crappy. And cranky. Nope, make that bloody cranky. I can eat people's heads at this point. I am a T-Rex!

But looking back at these 3 years, I am glad that I have my life and I am in one piece, though at this point I am exhausted. I am attempting to move on. And so is Joel. It is a relapse for him too whenever I have a relapse. The question, 'Will you die mommie?' will always be asked whenever I have an attack.

Happy 3rd anniversary to myself. Because I am still alive.

Perfect?!! NOT!!!!

I really do not understand why people would perceive my life as perfect. When I say that I am stressed, they will ask, 'Why are you stressed? What is there to be stressed about?! Your life is PERFECT!' Perfect my ass. Even THAT is not perfect. Try living my life for even one hour and we shall see whether you would still deem it to be 'perfect'.

How can my life be 'perfect' when I have to fight Idiopathic Anaphylaxis every single day? And now I don't even know what the trigger is! I have been eating fish for 35 months and then WHAM!!! out of the blue, I get a near-anaphylaxis attack after consuming fish which I have been doing so every week. It was supposed to be salicylates. Then it became chemicals. And then now FISH??!! WTH??!!

How can my life be 'perfect' when I have a son at the age of seven who still asks me every single day about death though it has been 35 months? His seven-year-old mind has been seared with death ever since my near-death experience. And he is afraid of loosing his mother and everyone else who is dear to him.

How can my life be 'perfect' when I am constantly running away from people who reek with perfume, places that reek with fragrances/chemicals and even my own house when the neighbour's cooking or detergent wafts over??

How can my life be 'perfect' when I can count the types of food which I am able to consume with 10 fingers and still have some left-over fingers?

How can my life be 'perfect' when I have a hormone problem which plagues me every month and the gynecologist said that the only way to rectify this is to have synthetic hormone replacement? And did I forget to mention that I have to be in the hospital for one week and be placed on high alert?! And there is a possibility of me reacting after that one week.

How can my life be 'perfect' when I cannot even plan my life for 2 bloody days ahead??!! Make that one day.

How can my life be 'perfect' when I do not have 'perfect health'?

How can my life be 'perfect' when I can't even blow my top (as my immunologist said that the stress would lower my immune system and thus cause me to be susceptible to even more anaphylactic attacks)! You mean I can't scream and swear??!! Never mind I will cuss and swear with my pen. Ooops! I mean with my keyboard.

Shall I go on? Or do you still deem my life to be 'PURR-FECT'??!! Just because you can't deal with your own insecurities and setbacks, it does not give you the right to judge and to tell me in dripping sarcasm that my life is 'perfect'.

Now let me tell you why my life is 'perfect' since you insist on it being so.

My life is 'perfect' because I choose to fight for it every single day. Or on some days every second.

My life is 'perfect' because I am grateful for what I still have.

My life is 'perfect' because I refuse to be bullied in life and choose to stand on my ground whether people like it or not.

My life is 'perfect' because I refuse to compromise my principles.

My life is 'perfect' because I have my family and good friends.

My life is 'perfect' because I believe in equality and in being fair. I do not believe in being shortchanged in life.

My life is 'perfect' because I choose to be happy.

My life is 'perfect' because I refuse to wallow in depression.

My life is 'perfect' because I refuse to be a failure.

My life is 'perfect' because I choose to embrace the storms in life with courage.

My life is 'perfect' because I have inner-peace. And THAT cannot be bought.

And my life is 'perfect' because I am imperfect.

So the next time you decide to have snide remarks about my life being 'perfect', please run it through your gray matter (if you have any) before you open your mouth and know that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' life on planet Earth.

The Perseverance of a Lifetime

These six weeks have been the the most fully utilized holiday that I have had since the anaphylaxis attack 33 months ago which had totally changed my life 180 degrees.

What did I do, you asked? I did what I have been doing all these 33 months which is fighting the good fight of IA. The difference? I went ahead and walked in the disgustingly smelly, gooey and slippery mud. Though I have been trudging in the mire all this while, this round I made sure I wore boots that were knee-high and a mud-proof coat and I walked through the mud unsullied. And I walked on. On and on and on and on. Of course I had mud slung onto parts of my face that were exposed. But this time, I protected my eyes with goggles. My head with a cap. And my face with masks. Tons of masks. 

And what did I do during these 6 weeks? I went out! I met up with friends whom I have not seen in a decade. I practiced driving in the blinding storm to my son's new school. I made sure I got used to driving in all sorts of weather and at all sorts of time of the day. I made new types of food that I have not eaten in these 33 months. I started adjusting my waking up times to be earlier bit by bit as I would need to be up at 5am when school starts. I had holiday projects with the little young man. I cleared the garden. I fell sick. And I had two near-anaphylaxis attacks. But I refused to wallow in depression. I took my anti-histamines and made sure life went on. And whatever methods that did not work, I threw it out of the window and applied a new one. With no self-condemnation that I failed. With no self-kicking or cursing myself that I failed. Because in life, as long as we do not give up, we do not fail even if we fall trying. And I can proudly say today that I tried. I did fall. But I got up again. And at a faster pace this time. And the getting up was much easier. And in all that I did during these six weeks, the little young man was with me. In this persevering journey of mine.

And so as I am writing this, the Joel of today compared to six weeks ago has grown enormously and tremendously. He has become such a confident little boy. He is no longer afraid of of new situations or people like he used to be. And even if he was afraid, he did not show it and he could even stay in that situation for hours, enjoying himself and having fun. He became bold. We no longer have to have a tug of war where going out is concerned. In all those months of depression this year, I became a recluse, hiding like a hermit in the house. And Joel picked up this behavior from me. It was a struggle to bring him out for an outing as he would want to 'stay in the house forever' as he puts it. Yup, he picked up depression from his mother. Going out to the garden was fine. But an outing to the mall, to meet people, was a HUGE struggle. He was petrified of people. He hated to leave the house, which had become his sanctuary, when in fact there was nothing for him to hide from in the first place. Today, he is a totally different person. And I am screaming 'Hallelujah' at this amazing transformation that I see in him.

Like I wrote in one of my previous posts, I am in this race where I constantly have to jump over hurdles after hurdles after hurdles. And at many, many times, I thought I would have crashed into the hurdles and be permanently disabled in my soul as a result of the crash. But it is a miracle that I somehow not only managed to survive but to also have a clean jump. And the more amazing part is that, the little young man at the age of six, managed to clear the hurdles with me and jumps with joy that I had made it through. And it is so rewarding to see him grow as a person although his mother has failed numerous times in so many areas.

So in one week's time, the both of us will be on our new journey. This journey begins in a new year, a new environment, meeting new people, facing new challenges and new adventures. A good friend of mine asked me to whether I am ready for this new phase. Am I ready? Then I asked myself, 'Will I ever be ready?' We can prepare ourselves till the moon becomes blue and until the cows come home and yet we would only know whether we are ready when we are thrown into that situation. And so yes, I have sharpened my sword, strengthened my armour, fed my body, soul, spirit and mind. So yes, hopefully I will be ready for the battles, adventures, journey and to continue on with the perseverance of a lifetime.

So as we move on to a new year, a new phase, let's all persevere on in our lives. Let's move on to greener pastures and to the land of milk and honey. What say you?





33 months ago was:
The Day I Met Death

Understanding People with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis for Dummies

1. Do Not Stare!

• Did your mother never teach you that it is rude to stare? Wearing a mask does not necessarily mean that I am sick. I am merely protecting myself from the combination of the chemicals that is wafting around in the air.
• I am protecting myself from YOUR germs and viruses.
• Me eating from the Thermos does not mean that I am a cheapskate who can't afford to eat from the restaurant (my family ordered and is feasting away at the food by the way). Don't give us that disgusted look. Don't judge before you know the story. Or need I stamp the word, 'ALLERGY' on my forehead?

2. Do Not Ask Stupid Questions

• "Could it be it's all in your mind?" Who in their right mind would 'pretend' to suffer from 'idiopathic anaphylaxis' and be home-bound, drugged up and not live a life of a normal person?!
• "Maybe you need to be MORE positive?" If I'm not positive, I would not have lasted 30 months, mind you.
• "Are you sure you are not imagining all this?" Let me tell you what IMAGINATION is. Imagination is skinning you alive and hanging you on a 10 foot pole and leaving you out there for the vultures to feast on you. Now THAT'S imagination!
• "Maybe you are not praying enough?" "Maybe you need to have MORE faith?" "Have you been reading enough of the Word of GOD?" Just because I don't punctuate my every sentence with 'Hallelujah!' or 'Praise the Lord' does not mean I do not have faith or I don't believe. I believe in God. I don't believe in the commercialization of God. Period.

3. It Is Not About You

• Don't take it personally if I move back, cover my nose or put on a mask because of your over-powering perfume. For me, it's like walking into the gas chamber. I can even taste your perfume and it translates into a chemical taste which burns my mouth, tongue, lips and throat.

4. Don't Say Stupid Things

• Don't tell me, 'You certainly don't look sick! Are you sure you're that sick?' Seriously, who would in their right mind be out if they are LOOKING sick?! Of course I don't. It's my good day. Do you think I would be out if I looked sick???? I would be in bed, drugged up when I am SICK. Certainly not out shopping in a mall!
• Don't tell me that my life is so pitiful, so sad, so terrible and so horrible that I can't go anywhere, eat like a normal person or live like a normal person. Of course I know that! It's like telling a cancer patient on chemotherapy 'You're going bald.' Duh!!!

5. Learn to empathize.

The following four points are for doctors, nurses and people in the medical line.

6. As a doctor, don't tell me that you don't know what is wrong with me, is afraid to dispense medicine and yet keep me in the hospital for 'observation'. Pass me to another doctor who understands and can treat me. Don't sit in front of me and stare into space for eternity and only respond when I interrupt your 'deep thinking' by telling me 'I don't know what to do with you.'

7. When a patient arrives at the ER telling you that he/she is having an allergy attack, don't tell them to have a sit first or register your wife/daughter/mother/god-mother/great grandmother first and then take your own sweet time discussing with the other nurses about the previous patient who almost died. Surprise! Surprise! Now isn't it surprising that your previous patient almost died with your immaculate service?

8. Do not ask me whether my Medic Alert bracelet is an amulet and whether 'Medic Alert' is in Thai language. Shall I  take the Hydrocortisone 250mg and Puriton and jab myself while you go figure out what language 'MEDIC ALERT' is in?

9. Don't snicker or snigger in my face when I tell you that I am allergic to chemicals. Your ignorance and arrogance = death for your patients.

10. Since this is a lesson for dummies, let me offer you some tips on how to deal and interact with people like me.

If you do not know what to say to me:

• Ask me how I am. I will tell you. In a short and sweet manner.

• Tell me that I look good/healthy and NOT 'You certainly don't look sick, you know,' dripping with sarcasm.

• Tell me that I have your prayers and support. I will say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

• Tell me to continue fighting and continue being positive. I will say thank you.

• Don't bore the living daylights out of me by whining to me about your sad, depressing and pathetic life and that you wished that you were dead because you broke a fingernail or because you've been promoted from a size two dress to a size three or because your boobs have begun to sag.

• Do not tell me that I should have MORE faith and try to have another child. This truly pisses me off. Are you going to take over my position as mother and raise my child up if I die as a result of a leap of foolishness?

I welcome genuine and sincere questions from people who want to know more. I despise people who ask questions to shoot me down or dismiss my condition like it's an 'imagined' condition or who pretend to listen and then ask me the same questions over AND over again. 

To all fellow people like me, feel free to add to what I may have missed out. Let's keep on fighting and stay strong my fellow friends!