The 3rd Year

Today is the 3rd anniversary. 2nd March 2009 was when it all started. Exactly 36 months ago was the day I met Death.

Am I at a better place? Is my health better? Am I getting better?

I AM at a better place. My health is SOMEWHAT better. I am in the slow process of getting better.

I am exhausted though. I so need a break. I need a break from life. From fighting. From pressing on every day. I feel like running away from all the battles that I face everyday.

This week was terrible. I was exposed to the smell of mushrooms on Tuesday night and I had hell during the middle of the night.The best part was I could not consume my usual combating-duo as I am on the road everyday. The moment I take Xyzal and Zrytec together, that is the end to my sanity and concentration. I cannot even walk down the staircase without seeing triple of one step. I can be saying a sentence and before I am even done with it, I have forgotten what I am actually saying.

So I gritted my teeth and bore the pain and drove. I threw my lunch away on Wednesday as I could feel it coming back up before I could even swallow it. The pain was so severe that it was as though I had those massive drills which are used in mines drilling in my head. I seriously wanted to die.

So today is Friday and I am exhausted. Hubby is not around and I feel like a volcano undersea at the brink of an eruption and that could cause a tsunami. I have not done the marketing. I have bed sheets waiting to be washed. My vegetables are ripened in the garden and yet I don't have the time to harvest them. I have errands to run. I have a lingering migraine which cannot be extinguished by medications because I have to drive. The insides of my ears feel as though they are stuffed with golf balls. And I have not been sleeping well since the attack on Tuesday night. I am E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D. Seriously, extremely, terribly exhausted. And crappy. And cranky. Nope, make that bloody cranky. I can eat people's heads at this point. I am a T-Rex!

But looking back at these 3 years, I am glad that I have my life and I am in one piece, though at this point I am exhausted. I am attempting to move on. And so is Joel. It is a relapse for him too whenever I have a relapse. The question, 'Will you die mommie?' will always be asked whenever I have an attack.

Happy 3rd anniversary to myself. Because I am still alive.

The Three Henchmen

They were a trio. They were the meanest trio that ever existed. Wherever they went, Fear, Pain and Despair were inseparable. . Fear of course was the leader. It would go around scouring for potential victims. And boy, did they have plenty of victims.  


Fear made sure it gripped the heart of the woman who was abused as a child and who is currently living in the women's shelter.  Fear made sure she grew up fearing that no one would love her and thus she grabbed the first available guy that came along though he showed signs of being abusive. Fear made her fearful of walking out of that relationship even though her body, soul and mind were as battered as the battle grounds of Armageddon. 


Fear then proceeded to scour the playground for the most timid child. It made sure the fear that the bully instilled in him stayed. Fear made sure he stayed mum about it until the day he died. Fear also made sure the child was bound by that fear so that he remained bullied even in his adult years. 


Fear then moved on to the housing area of the upper class. It went into the house which was the poshest of the poshest, and floated into that particular room. There sat a woman so plastic that even the plastic recycling company would reject her. Fearing that her husband would replace her for a SYT (Sweet Young Thing), she went under the knife multiple times to make herself 'perfect'. The fear of being rejected and unloved overode the fear of going under the knife so many times, risking her life. And yet after achieving 'perfection', fear still gripped her heart. The same old fear of her husband not loving her, not wanting her and rejecting her. 


Fear then roamed the streets and saw a driver suffocating with fear. Fear then pounded his brain with thoughts of fear of accidents and of loosing control of the vehicle. The driver was seized with a panic attack, stopped abruptly and stumbled out of the car and vomitted on the street. 'Job done!' laughed Fear with glee. 


Fear then went to the office of the woman who feared to be alone. Though she was constantly surrounded by people, she feared that she would end up alone in life. And because of that fear, she made a lot of unhappy compromises in her life. Though she was not alone, she was lonely. 


Fear proceeded to the restaurant where an elderly lady was dining with her husband. Fear ruled her life. She was afraid of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, afraid of doing the wrong things, afraid of the unknown and even of the known. And up to the age that she was now at, the grip that Fear had on her did not lessen. Instead the talons of Fear were embedded in her soul. Sad to say, Fear dictated her life. 

Once Fear was done, Pain would then move in onto the people whom Fear had full control. Pain made sure that their hearts ached, their souls ached, their minds gripped with blinding pain and then wrecked their bodies with pain so bad that they became reliant on drugs. And once Pain did its job, Despair came in. Despair made sure that all that have been controlled by Fear and Pain felt lost and a crushing sense of hopelessness. And once these three were done, the rest of the cohorts would move in. Depression, Violence, Worthlessness, Suicide, Destruction and many, many more. 


Fear went to visit an old pal whom it tormented when she was a child. Fear had its talons in her heart, mind and soul for years. And for years, Fear ruled and reigned in her life. But cursed be the day where she was set free because of Sickness. Sickness should never have struck her. If she did not have Sickness, she would forever be in Fear's possession. Her heart, mind and soul would belong to Fear. 'It is all ITS fault. It should have never touched her!' cursed Fear. And as the seconds ticked by, Fear became sick. Because Boldness, Courage and Life was in her heart. And being in the presence of those Three suffocated Fear. Fear was fearful of those Three!! The peace that surrounded her was suffocating Fear. And the serenity in her heart was as loud as the screeching emergency brakes of a runaway train. Fear scampered away from the place and found that it could slowly breathe again. 


As Fear was recovering from its fears, it was suddenly attacked, thrown into the air and shoved into the bowels of Hades. 'Bloody hell! What the hell was that for?!!' screeched Fear. 'You were supposed to instill FEAR into her! Not run away like a wuss!!!!!' bellowed a cold and menacingly evil voice. Voices snickered all around. The air was oppressive and crippling. It reeked with the smell of rotting corpses. The surroundings were filled with the screams of the damned. The coldness that permeated the air could freeze all the boiling lava in the universe. And it was this coldness that sought to take as many lives as possible even before life could take form. And this coldness was displeased with Fear. Dragging Fear up by its neck, the Voice hissed and said, 'Do your thing by the end of this week, or I will deal with you myself.' Fear cackled and retorted, 'You can't even touch her and you expect ME to do your dirty job?!'  The Voice screamed and flung Fear into the farthest corner of Hades. It then roared, 'It is not finished!!!!!!!!' All the other creatures shrunk in fear from the outburst. When the Voice was done, it turned around and there it was in its coldest and menacing splendour... Death. 


'O death, I will be thy plagues;


O grave, I will be thy destruction.'


 - Hosea 13:14

The Journey Thus Far

I wrote this while I was going through a very, very tough period during the month of August. I would like to share this with you here.

29 months. That’s roughly 870 days. A total of 20,880 hours. Which is equivalent to 1, 252, 800 minutes or 75, 168, 000 seconds. Time which is enough to have 3 babies and yet have an extra 2 months. In 29 months, a baby would have learned to eat, smile, turn-over, crawl, walk, run, talk, hum, sing and do a multitude of tasks. For me, 29 months has been a journey of waking up everyday wondering whether it would be my last, whether some chemical would trigger another episode from hell, whether my body would overload and go into overdrive or silence in my head, bowels and senses. 29 months of taking one day at a time. 29 months of pushing my body daily to overcome this condition. 29 months of roller coaster rides. 29 months of wondering why I was spared from death to face so many challenges everyday.

These 29 months can be likened to being enrolled in the school of hard knocks. It’s like standing, getting slammed by a bullet train, getting up again and standing up and trying to be strong again. And then the cycle repeats itself.  It’s like the scene from Matrix where Neo fought with Agent Smith in the underground train station. One can never know when or the direction of the next blow or kick is coming from or what ‘form’ or ‘person’ Agent Smith will take. Or when the attacks are going to cease or escalate. It’s a continuous fight everyday. I just can’t wait for the day where I am strong enough that when the attacks come, all I have to do is to just raise my palm and the bullets will stop in mid-air and drop to the ground. And all the attacks of Agent Smith will be futile and I can overcome and destroy ‘my Agent Smith’.

In these 29 months, I have learned how to survive in a chemical world when it was chemicals that almost killed me. I have fought and lost a lot of battles. I have gone through a lot pain, frustrations, anger, denial, defeat and depression. I have asked myself countless times, ‘Am I a failure?’  ‘What kind of life am I living?’ ‘What’s the point of cheating death and living in pain?’ And then one day it struck me. Who said that people like me who struggle with life are failures?  And then I thought of the people who fight for their lives daily like me but who are worse off than me. People with incurable diseases. The girl who is allergic to water. Or the boy who is allergic to air and who has to live in a bubble for the rest of his life. And the girl who goes into anaphylactic shock when exposed to cold or cool temperature. These are people who live victoriously even in their imperfect circumstances. These are the people who persevere to be a shining light in this world even though their lives are engulfed in darkness many times.

People in general tend to applaud for the people who overcome their hurdles triumphantly. We tend to not give credit to those who are still in the midst of fighting their battles. I beg to differ. I think people who are in the midst of fighting their battles, who persevere even when they are down trodden, who refuse to let the darkness blind them are to be applauded as winners. They are the champions my friends. Why? It’s because they refuse to back down from the fight. They refuse to wallow in self-pity. They go on day to day ‘living’ their lives. And by living, it’s not living by waking up, going through the motions of the daily routines and then going to bed and repeating the whole cycle the next day and the day after that. They live their lives everyday not knowing whether there will be a tomorrow. And they make an impact with their lives EVERYDAY. They shine like a beacon. They affect others to live their lives to the fullest. They encourage, motivate and help others to ‘LIVE’ when they themselves struggle with the simplest thing in life.

Michael J. Fox is one of the winners whom I applaud. He was such a talented and brilliant actor. And to be struck with Parkinson’s disease at such a young age and at the peak of his career must have been a terrible blow for him. But yet today, he thanks Parkinson’s for saving his life, as it was a turn-around-point for him. His life was spiraling down with his drinking addiction. And when he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s he drank even harder and fell into depression and it affected his marriage and his relationship with his eldest son. He said that it was during a lucid moment that he realized that his life was in his own hands and thus turned himself around. He said, ‘‘In fact, Parkinson’s has made me a ­better person. A better husband, father and overall human being. Life delivered me a catastrophe, but I found a richness of soul. I owe it to Parkinson’s, no doubt about that.”[1] And today he continuously contributes to the research of Parkinson’s and continues to encourage fellow patients even though his disease has progressed. And to me, this man is a winner.

Another person whom I applaud is Christopher Reeve. Yes, the original Superman who wore his undies on the outside. Paralyzed after a riding accident, the man who once ‘flew’ high up in the sky became a quadriplegic. The accident had separated his head from his spine. He fell into depression, contemplated with suicide, and went through operations to re-attach his spine to his head, and painful rehabilitation. Though he could not walk ever again, he was a winner because he spent his remaining years of his life helping and encouraging patients who were in the same situation as him. Though he never walked again, he regained back some motor function, and was able to sense hot and cold temperatures on his body. And that was impossible for someone in his situation. He also battled allergies and asthma since childhood. And he reacted severely to the many medications that he had to take after the accident. In Kessler, he tried a drug named Sygen, which was theorized to help reduce damage to the spinal cord. The drug caused him to go into anaphylactic shock and his heart stopped. He believed he had an out-of-body experience and remembered saying, "I'm sorry, but I have to go now", during the event. In his autobiography, he wrote, "and then I left my body. I was up on the ceiling...I looked down and saw my body stretched out on the bed, not moving, while everybody—there were 15 or 20 people, the doctors, the EMTs, the nurses—was working on me. The noise and commotion grew quieter as though someone were gradually turning down the volume." After receiving a large dose of epinephrine, he woke up and was able to stabilize later that night.[2] Though he died at the age of 52 and did not walk again, he was a winner because of the decision to live life at its fullest even in his despairing and depressing condition.

For me, though I’ve been hit, smacked, smashed, knocked down continuously in this month of August, I hope that I will rise above my challenges and setbacks and be a winner even in my losses.

We Are The Champions – Queen

I've paid my dues

Time after time

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime

And bad mistakes

I've made a few

I've had my share of sand kicked in my face

But I've come through

We are the champions, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting ‘till the end

We are the champions

We are the champions

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions of the world

I've taken my bows

And my curtain calls

You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it

I thank you all

But it's been no bed of roses

No pleasure cruise

I consider it a challenge before the whole human race

And I ain't gonna lose

We are the champions, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are the champions

We are the champions

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions of the world

---

[1] http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1326832/Michael-J-Fox-Parkinsons-saved-life-better-man.html#ixzz1UpIwuSnZ

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Reeve

The Day I Met Death

The sensational news of the 33 miners stuck for 2 months plus in a hot, humid tunnel 2,050 feet underground in Chile captivated the attention of the world. And for the first 17 days, they were completely cut off from the world above them. No communication whatsoever. And nobody above ground knew whether these 33 men were alive or dead. The amazing part is that they survived for 17 days with Death breathing down their necks. Their determination and sheer will to survive is astounding. This experience will stay with them forever. Their lives will be transformed. I hope that they will progress and not regress. To give up in life after overcoming death would be such a waste.

It has been 30 months now since I met Death. And these 30 months have been life-changing for me. It has been nothing but difficult and challenging, but the journey of self-discovery, of seeing things in a whole new perspective or learning to live again has been necessary. It has taught me how to make lemonade out of the lemons that life has thrown at me. Or rather to make compost out of the shit that was thrown in my life. 

At the mere mention of the word 'death', many would cringe, touch wood, change the subject abruptly or even say, 'CHOY!' But it is 'death' that I am going to talk about today. By encountering 'death', I was rudely awakened from my slumber and I learned to live all over again. And honestly looking back at all the years that I have lived, I was never alive. I was like the living dead. A person with a living body, but with a dead soul. Are you one of those living dead? Just barely scraping through each day of your life. Dragging your life through each day waiting for the next to end. Or living a life with no passion, purpose or joy.

March 2nd 2009 was just like any other day for me. Waking up, going about my normal routine which was looking after my child, preparing meals and normal house chores. The first encounter happened during lunchtime. After chewing the peanuts from the chicken and peanut soup for the umpteenth time, a very strong foreboding feeling washed over me. I knew something was terribly wrong but didn't know what it was as this had never happened to me. I immediately went to my mother and told her that if I collapsed, my Epi-Pen was in the cabinet next to the TV. The foreboding feeling then left and I didn't give it much thought after that.

Dinner time came and I drank the same soup again! This time the reaction manifested physically. My lips swelled to the point that they would put Angelina Jolie to shame! And by the time I reached the hospital, my blood pressure had plunged, my throat and tongue had swelled until I had difficulty talking. I was given steroids and anti-histamine and was admitted for two days. Two days of continuos steroids and anti-histamines. I was discharged on Wednesday morning and was rushed to the ER again on Wednesday night. I kept reacting, (to what I didn't know at that time). This time the ER doctor sent me home saying that 'I looked fine and was fine' even after we told them of what had happened on Monday. I was very lucky that we did not meet this doctor in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

On Saturday at 1.30am, the worst allergy reaction struck. I was very stoned and groggy from all the medication, but a voice in my heart told me not to sleep. I think if I had slept, I would have died in my sleep. I felt that my heart was failing. My whole system was shutting down and I was going into shock. I was blacking out. I woke my husband up and he jabbed me with the Epi-Pen and once again we rushed to the ER. This time I knew that I might not return at all. I slipped into unconsciousness in the car and then suddenly I wasn't in my body anymore. I moved into this dimly lit tunnel and Death embraced me. I was in Death's arms and it was leading me to go deeper into the tunnel. The coldness that Death was can never be measured with all the eons of winters on this earth combined. As I moved into the tunnel with Death, I heard my husband’s voice calling me from a distance. He kept on calling my name, asking me to go back and that our son needs me. I looked back and in an instance, I was back in my body.

By the time we arrived at the ER, my veins had collapsed and they had to prick anywhere and everywhere to get a vein. I was lucky that the ER doctor that night had also experienced an anaphylactic attack and thus understood what allergy was and the seriousness of an allergy attack. When they finally found a vein and when the steroids and antihistamine coursed through my veins, I felt such relief. I could breathe. I could feel my heart returning to normal. And I knew that I was safe, for now.

I was admitted again, pumped up with medications and I was pricked by the daytime vampires, night time vampires and afternoon vampires constantly. Blood for this test, that test and every test that was imaginable. Up till today I still bear some scars of the needle marks. They remind me of how much I've been through and the things that I've learned throughout this journey.

The following months were hell. Someone had to be with me all the time. People who have had anaphylactic shocks were susceptible to having recurrent attacks. And when that happens, we could just collapse. And with no one around to administer the Epi-Pen, it would be fatal.

All the test results came back negative. That was certainly good news AND bad news. The good news was that there was nothing wrong that they could find with me. The bad news was, what was it that happened to me then? What triggered the attacks? More trips to doctors, hospitals and tests and yet still NO answer. The only answer was in the years of experience of Dr.Yadav, Malaysia's only immunologist allergist. Even his tests came back negative. But because of his years of experience and the vast knowledge that he has, he believed strongly that I was salicylate sensitive. Salicylate is a component in aspirin. Salicylate is practically in everything. It is in food flavouring, sauces, food colouring, additives, spices, herbs, food preservatives, and even in fruits and vegetables. Salicylate is used in shampoos, soaps, paint, creams, toothpastes, detergents, mouthwash, lotions and etc. You get my drift, they are in EVERYTHING! How was I supposed to live a 'normal' life or even stay alive when everything had salicylate? My diet was reduced to fresh food: chicken, fish and a selected few fruits and vegetables. And the only thing that I could cook them with was salt, sugar and sunflower oil. No outside and processed food AT ALL! For months I was just eating the same food; day-in and day-out. Even the smell of belacan, durian, petai, detergents, shampoos, soaps or even hair-creams would trigger an allergy reaction. Because of the fear of anaphylactic shock, I had to go for a colonoscopy anesthetic-free. The doctors said I was too high-a-risk. When I'm in pain, I have no painkillers, NSAIDS, or even Panadol. Doctors tell me the same lines all the time, 'You're a doctor's worst nightmare because you're allergic to EVERYTHING!’ ‘Try not to fall sick.’ ‘I don't know what medicine to give to you.' And if I had to try a new medicine, as there are no more options, I would have to be admitted and be placed on high-alert, in case I react to the medication.

I became very depressed. I fell into a very deep abyss where only darkness ruled. I was very frustrated, angry, bitter and became a recluse. I am very, very blessed to have a strong and loving family. Without them I would not have survived those extremely difficult days. There were days so bad that the neighbor's detergent could trigger a reaction so terrible that all I could do was curl up on the bed and just pray for all of it to end. Smells that triggered migraines from the depths of Hades and severe burning sensation on my tongue as though it was sprayed with acid and then dipped in salt, experimentation with new foods that caused loose bowels until I thought even my entrails would be expunged permanently, attacks so bad that my husband and I actually went to the hospital to wait just in case I dropped dead.

I was beyond fed-up with everything. I was on anti-histamines and steroids everyday. And when the attacks came, I would have to double or triple the doses. I was so stoned from all these anti-histamines. It came to a point that I lost my soul. I lost myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't even function as a person, as a wife, as a mother or a daughter. One day, I decided I had to take charge of my life. I did not cheat death to end up with a life like this. Of course it was so difficult at first. I had to experiment with new foods bit by bit. If I reacted to the new food, I had to go back to the 'salicylate-free' diet and when I am out of it, I had to try again. I had to learn to cook, to make food in new ways. I had to learn to make my own chemical-free bread, cookies, biscuits, cakes and etc. Basically I had to learn to make everything that I put in my mouth. I had to flee many times in shopping malls when someone's perfume suffocated my air space. I had to forgo many outings and gatherings. And whenever I go out, I have to cook my own food and bring it out. I had to keep my house 'chemical free'. I hate it when people give me looks of sympathy, or said, 'WAH, everything also cannot eat, so poor thing! What kind of life is that?'

It was during these 30 months that I've learned to be resilient, to know which battles are worth fighting for, and which ones to let go. I've learned the important things in life are in our hearts not in things. I've learned to live a life free of fear. What is to fear? I have met Death. I've learned the meaning of love. I've learned joy. I've learned to never give up. I've learned to appreciate. I have rediscovered my passion in life again. My vision of life and what life is can never be the same.

It took me 30 months to reach where I am today. Of course some days are 'Moderato', some 'Adagio', some 'Allegro' and some 'Pesante'. I have days where I throw hissy fits worse than frustrated toddlers. I have days where my mood is like of a woman with PMS and menopause combined. There are days where I keep walking into a brick wall. There are days where I feel like I’m clawing my way up a steep, icy mountain with my bare hands. But I take a day at a time. One hurdle at a time. In this period of 30 months, I have had relapses. I have also had long periods of time where I did not react to anything. Today I can eat so many more types of food (and reaction-free) compared to 30 months ago. I can even eat foods with a small amount of salicylate. Of course I have yet to try eating 'outside food'. That is my next goal.

To the people who are reading this, do not wait till Death comes knocking at your door before you realise the life that you've been living has been a farce, a facade. Live your life with passion. Get your priorities right. Ask yourself, 'Why are you alive? What is it that you want out of your life? What do you plan to achieve in/with your life? Are you working towards your dreams? Are you happy and contented with who and what you are?' Live your life before it’s too late.

‘Life is something that everyone should try at least once.’ – Henry J. Tillman

‘There is no wealth but life.’ – John Ruskin