Are You Woke?

As 2019 is literally just around the corner, I have a question for you. 

Are you woke?

You must be thinking, "Of course I am awake! I'm reading this!" Furthermore, the grammar nazi in you must be screaming. 

Let me ask you again.

Are you WOKE?

Woke? What the hell is woke?

In the Matrix movie, Neo was offered two pills by Morpheus, the rebel leader. Neo was asked to choose between the blue and the red pills. The red pill would free Neo from living in a controlled machine-generated world which was unreal. He would be set free but would live in the real but harsh and difficult world. But he would be living in the "truth of reality". The blue pill would lead him back to the perfect-dream-world which was comfortable and without want but fake which was stimulated by the Matrix. 

Most of us having watched The Matrix know that Neo chose the red pill. 

He then became woke.

He was enlightened. 

The scales fell off his mind.

He saw the lies and the fake reality he had been living in. Yes, it was comfortable. He had security within a confined environment. But he was living in blissful ignorance. Everything was an illusion. He was living in a fake world! 

What kind of life is that? Is that even living? Life is about having knowledge (many times by gleaning), the freedom to choose, experiencing the hardships so that we can become stronger and wiser and living in the truth. 

Living in a lie or living a lie is NOT living. 

As tomorrow is the last day of 2018, ask yourself this, "Am I woke?"

Are you WOKE?

*picture taken from HERE

A Happy Life!

*picture taken from HERE

7 Years

Seven.

In the book of Harry Potter, seven is said to be the most powerful magical number.

Seven is the number of notes in a traditional Western diatonic scale.

Seven represents the deadly sins and also denotes completeness and perfection.

Not forgetting how the world was made in seven days (if you believe in the Bible).

In Judaism, seven (shiv`a) is the number of days of mourning.

In the world of mathematics, seven is a happy number, a safe prime and a lucky prime.

-------------------------------

I hope that this journey of mine in its seventh year, will be the last year in mourning where my health is concerned. I would be truly free of the shackles that salicylate and chemical sensitivities have placed on my life.

I hope that this seventh year would complete the musical scales of this journey and thus, open my path to an array of even more musical scales that I can paint my life with.

I hope that my new world would be made complete in this seventh year.

I hope that this seventh year would be an even happier and safer year for me.

And I hope that in this seventh magical year, I will overcome and slay my Voldermort and be healthy and strong again where my immune system is concerned.

The Right To Be Alive

Alive.

The definition of alive can be defined as not dead or lifeless. It can also mean to be in a state of action. It also means full of spirit and energy. Alive also means to be vibrant, vivid and having the quality of life.

As an individual on this planet, I strongly believe that we have The Right to be Alive (and not dead) where freedom is concerned. The freedom to speak our minds, the freedom to have our own individual thoughts, the freedom to be ourselves and in being different and yet the same.

We deserve The Right to be Alive in our dreams. We should be able to have dreams without being afraid of them being shot down. Our dreams have a Right to be Alive!

We deserve The Right to be Alive in our beliefs. Practicing dead beliefs or practicing for the sake of practicing is equivalent to not practicing at all. Don't be a hypocrite. If you are convinced with the beliefs that you have, be alive (vivid) about it!

We deserve The Right to be Alive in our education. Our children deserve to be alive in their learning. They must be taught to think and to think freely. Where thinking out-of-the-box is rewarded and not labelled stupid. Where information need not be cut into minute-bite-sizes to be fed into each individual for fear of them choking if fed with large chunks. Where each student's creativity is rewarded and not doused with water-of-discouragement. Where whatever they learn is relevant for their future lives and not redundant material which is to be regurgitated out during exams to be translated into As.

Safety has the Right to be Alive. Where else crime deserves a big kick in its ass rather than being labelled as a 'perception'.  We should not be living our lives peering over our shoulders all the time for fear of being mugged, raped or kidnapped. We should not be afraid of walking out of our houses, sleeping at night or even parking our cars in mall carparks or even outside of our houses for fear of being robbed. We have a right to live our lives in peace!

Unity has The Right to be Alive. So do Peace, Harmony, Tolerance, Respect, and Understanding.

So we are asked what more do we want??!

We want 'The Right to be Alive!!'

The Greatest Miracle of All

Please click here. Thank you!

A Happy Place

Someone asked me recently, 'Are you happy?'

I then asked the person, 'What is happy?'

To which he replied, 'Happy means happy loh!'

Hmmm....

So what is happy?
What is happiness?
What is being happy?

Happy can be defined as:

1. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
2. Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
4. Apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.
5. Obsessed by or quick to use the item indicated (usually used in combination): A trigger-happy gangster. Everybody is gadget-happy these days.

Happiness can be defined as:

1. The quality or state of being happy.
2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Does it mean that I am happy when I am always flashing my teeth in a Cheshire's cat-like-ear-to-ear grin?

Does happy mean that I am always laughing the boisterous laughter of the land of the Giants?

Does being happy mean that I am never sad?

Does happiness mean that I should rename myself with a new name called Joy Unspeakable and assign a new job title which is called the Minister of Making People 'ROFLMAO'?

Does living in the state of happiness mean living in the transcendence of happiness while constantly mantra-ing OMs which are bursting with happiness?

Well, here is what I think happy is.

I think happiness mean that I live my life to the best I can even with Death breathing down my neck and hearing its tick-tock-tick-tock in my ear.

I think happiness mean that I when I go to bed at night, I can still smile to myself and say that it was a good day even though the bowels misbehaved themselves tremendously till the bum-bum had the imprint of the toilet bowl. Because I still have my bowels and tomorrow will be a better day. Or the day after. Or the week after that.

I think happiness is when I did not do anything constructive but lazed around, taking a well deserved break which my body, soul and mind needed. Though i think hours on the iPad playing finding-hidden-objects-games is VERY constructive!

I think being happy is resting much and using my brains to rationalise logically that Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither can my health be built in a day. It has been 38 months now and I am happy at how much I have progressed.

I think happiness is when your true self is spoken out.

I am happy because I have learnt so much, gained so much in the midst of my losses and grown so much. I can plant my own vegetables! I can eat so many more foods now! I have a very beautiful and supportive family! I have great friends! I found people who are in the same boat as I am in! And I am alive! If that is not happy, I do not know what happy means to you then...

And if I am never sad, how can I know what happiness is?
If I never know what pain is, how then can I know what it is like to be relieved when the pain is gone?
Happiness is sweet when you fight hard for it or when you stop struggling to be happy.

And happiness is being able to find a constant in the inconsistency of IA.

38 Months

So here I am. 38 months later, writing my 166th post for this blog. 38 months on being alive. Or supposedly alive. Or getting-there alive. Or maybe it's a barely alive?

Am I alive?

What is alive?

How am I alive?

The definition of alive according to the dictionary:

1. Having life; living.
2. In existence or operation; active.
3. Full of living or moving things; abounding.
4. Full of activity or animation; lively.

I am a living being. I breathe, I eat, I poop and pee, and I breed. The little young man is the proof!

I am in existence. Evelyn Chua exists. Ask my family and they will tell you that I am no ghost! I must be one VERY loud ghost!

I am active. Actively being alive with satire, sarcasm, and madness. Hey, it keeps me sane!

I am constantly moving. Moving people to tears or frustration by my blog posts - according to them.

I am full of activity. I am a full-time wife and mother who is also a full-time cook, cleaner, driver, Florence Nightingale, maid, container-gardener, and not forgetting blogger! Oh, and I am lively too! Lively with anger (according to my son) and sarcasm (according to my brother).

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I had an encounter with Death and lived to tell the story of it.

So am I alive?

Hell, yeah!!!

So how has the 'alive me' grown in this 38 months?

Hmmm....

Let me see.

..............................

Damn!

I can't think of anything.

My mind is like a blank piece of paper.

Come back and ask me when it is 39 months. Or maybe 39 years. That is if I am still ALIVE!

Oh by the way, are YOU alive?

Girl Alive

Once upon a time, there was a girl who went by the name Girl Alive. Why she chose that name for herself perplexed many. To many, she wasn't alive. Neither was she dead. She was sick. And full of shit according to many who saw her as a person who refused to believe that God could heal her if only she followed the rituals and religious methodologies.

Now she went through a lot of valleys where the shadows of Death loomed. And occasionally, Death itself showed up. Many times, she felt like giving up. Many times she was so frustrated and exhausted that the fight to stay alive for her child seemed to be worthless.  Many times she felt that she was a bull in the ring, going in circles never knowing where and when the matador would stab her and cause her to bleed and to die on the fighting grounds. And the cycle would repeat themselves all over again the next day.

So I saw the signs of her reaching another breaking point. And I waited.

True enough, one day she barged into my office and screamed like a mad woman and banged her fists on my table and cried like a maniac. I was used to it. It happens everytime her fighting spirit maxed out.  Out of her mouth came profanities that would make a sailor blush. She wailed, she bawled, she screamed till she was hoarse. She turned my table upside down. She stomped on the broken glass shattering them further into a million pieces, cutting the soles of her shoes and piercing her feet. But she did not stop. The pain in the soles of her feet could not match the pain that was in her heart.  Finally, she was spent. And she collapsed on my couch with blood dripping onto my carpet.

After a lengthy period of silence, I asked her this question. 'Why are you alive?'

'Because I'm not dead!' she replied.

'And why is that?'

'How would I know?!'

'I am going to ask you again. Why are you alive?'

'BECAUSE I am not DEAD, you dimwit!'

'And why is that?'

'I don't know damn it! Why don't YOU freaking tell me?!'

'Why are you alive?'

'Because I am not dead!!!!!!!!!!'

'And why is that?'

She stormed out of the room and slammed the door so hard that my paintings fell of their hooks. I smiled to myself. She will be back.

Two weeks later, she barged into my room and had a face off with me and said, 'I am alive because I AM alive!'

'I am alive because I can smile, I can cry, I can laugh, I can love, I can be pissed.'

'I am alive because I can breathe till the air reaches the bowels of my stomach.'

'I am alive because I can taste the food that I eat though the taste of my food is only limited to sweet and salty.'

'I am alive because I can enjoy the wondrous facets of the firmaments.'

'I am alive because I can sleep, I can shit, I can pee, and I can scream and swear.'

'I am alive because I have two eyes that see, two ears that hear, a mouth that speaks what I think, a heart that beats life, hands that produces life, and legs that bring me to my destinations.'

'I am alive because I choose to be alive. I choose to thrive. I choose to fight. I choose to conquer. I choose to win this fight. I choose to die as Girl Alive.'

'I choose to be A.L.I.V.E. Abundantly Living In Volatile Environment! I choose to BE alive!'

'And by making that choice to be alive, my son too, can be alive.'

With that she sat down on the chair and stared deeply into my eyes. And I saw her soul. I saw the essence of her person. I saw the core of her being. She WAS alive. Because she chose to be. And with that I was satisfied.

And when she left my office that day, I knew that I would not see her again for a long period of time. Though she will go through many more valleys, many more storms, climb many more mountains, fall down over and over again, I know she will walk into my office again, some day. And I know she will, because she is Girl Alive.

How would I know, you asked?

Because I am the Man who bent down and wrote in the sand.



'... everyone dies. But not everyone lives.' - A. Sachs

The 3rd Year

Today is the 3rd anniversary. 2nd March 2009 was when it all started. Exactly 36 months ago was the day I met Death.

Am I at a better place? Is my health better? Am I getting better?

I AM at a better place. My health is SOMEWHAT better. I am in the slow process of getting better.

I am exhausted though. I so need a break. I need a break from life. From fighting. From pressing on every day. I feel like running away from all the battles that I face everyday.

This week was terrible. I was exposed to the smell of mushrooms on Tuesday night and I had hell during the middle of the night.The best part was I could not consume my usual combating-duo as I am on the road everyday. The moment I take Xyzal and Zrytec together, that is the end to my sanity and concentration. I cannot even walk down the staircase without seeing triple of one step. I can be saying a sentence and before I am even done with it, I have forgotten what I am actually saying.

So I gritted my teeth and bore the pain and drove. I threw my lunch away on Wednesday as I could feel it coming back up before I could even swallow it. The pain was so severe that it was as though I had those massive drills which are used in mines drilling in my head. I seriously wanted to die.

So today is Friday and I am exhausted. Hubby is not around and I feel like a volcano undersea at the brink of an eruption and that could cause a tsunami. I have not done the marketing. I have bed sheets waiting to be washed. My vegetables are ripened in the garden and yet I don't have the time to harvest them. I have errands to run. I have a lingering migraine which cannot be extinguished by medications because I have to drive. The insides of my ears feel as though they are stuffed with golf balls. And I have not been sleeping well since the attack on Tuesday night. I am E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D. Seriously, extremely, terribly exhausted. And crappy. And cranky. Nope, make that bloody cranky. I can eat people's heads at this point. I am a T-Rex!

But looking back at these 3 years, I am glad that I have my life and I am in one piece, though at this point I am exhausted. I am attempting to move on. And so is Joel. It is a relapse for him too whenever I have a relapse. The question, 'Will you die mommie?' will always be asked whenever I have an attack.

Happy 3rd anniversary to myself. Because I am still alive.

The Battle of Conquering Ourselves

Buddha once said that it is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

What does conquer mean? Again conquer is a verb. It could mean:

1. To acquire by force of arms; to win in war.

2. To overcome by force or to subdue.

3. To gain, to win or obtain by personal effort.

4. To gain a victory over, surmount, master, overcome.

In our situation, people with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis, life as we all know is a daily battle. We can never forecast what will set us off. For me it is salicylates and chemicals. There are all sorts of chemicals! Even our body produces chemicals!!! So how do I define what sets me off and what does not? One day I do not react to the smell of cabbage being cooked (and that is organic cabbage, mind you) and the next round, I am feeling sick and nauseated like a pregnant woman pumped up with Duphaston (hormones) and a migraine from hell which makes me feel like my head is going to erupt like Mount St. Helen. And that is only cabbage! And I am supposed to conquer myself??!! I can't even conquer the pain and my bowels!

I think conquering can be equated to the daily trudge up the steep Idiopathic Anaphylaxis mountain. You claw your way up even though you know your hands are at the risk of frostbite. Reaching the peak is your ultimate goal and bleeding and broken fingers is not going to stop you from your arduous journey.

I think conquering can be equated to getting on a horse for the first time and learning to ride with the flow even though you know that your behind is going to be so sore the next day to the point that you can hardly walk. Reaching your destination is the ultimate goal in your life.

I think conquering can be equated to fighting IA and moving on attack after attack. It would mean that I have surmounted my struggles.

I think conquering can be equated to taking breaks or having rest stops to refuel, recharge and regain my energy and fighting spirit.

I think conquering can be equated to disallowing fear to rule my life and dictate my motives and actions.

I think conquering can be equated to living my life to the best that I can even with my setbacks and even to the point of having the quality of life.

And I think conquering can be equated to living my life in a happy, peaceful, grateful and serene state as much as possible to the end of my days.

Hence, by conquering oneself,  I, you and we would have won a thousand battles.



35 months ago was the day I met Death.

The 10 Must-Dos and Must-Haves of an IA Person

1. Epi-Pen 

Carry your Epi-Pen at all times. Even in the house. And yes, even in the toilet. And also it should be at your bedside table when you sleep. (IMPORTANT: Epi-Pens have expiry dates! So be aware of when your pens expire. Get them replaced before they expire. If not, YOU will expire if you have a full-blown anaphylactic attack without an Epi.

2. Medic Alert 

Wear a Medic Alert bracelet or necklace. Yes, even if the ER nurse asks you whether it is an amulet or what language 'Medic Alert' is in.

3.Handphone 

Carry your hand phone with you at all times. Yes, even in the toilet. And please carry a hand phone that has been charged!

4. Medicines 

Carry your medicines with you at all times. Yes, even if it's a walk to the park nearby. You never know what might happen. Shit happens. And it could happen anytime and anywhere. Better to be prepared than dead.

5. Medicines

Eat your meds everyday. Be punctual about it. And don't wait till last minute to get them refilled. They could be out of stock.

6. Letter 

I carry an envelope with the word 'ALLERGY' in capitals, bold and underlined. And in it are letters which some of my doctors wrote, explaining my condition and that I am a patient with a history of anaphylaxis. 

7. Support Group

Find one. It really helps as you will not feel so alone. And when you are down, they can lift you up with encouragement as they speak the same language as you do. Or even find similar people like you. Of course there will be people who will be selfish and not willing to share their survival guide with you. It's ok. Move on until you have found the right one. 

I have found wonderful people from USA, Canada, UK, New Zealand, Australia and even Brazil who have really encouraged me. And I have learned more about my condition and tips on how to survive better.

8. Blood Pressure Machines 

I have one and if I am feeling unwell after an exposure to salicylate or chemicals, I will monitor my blood pressure. If it starts plunging, then I will Epi myself and head to the ER.

9. Know Your Trigger Points 

10. Eat, Sleep and Be Merry 

Easier said than done, but it is necessary for our survival.

Thrive

I was going through a host of websites looking for useful information pertaining to my condition when I stumbled upon a woman's website. She is a survivor of sexual child abuse. She and her twin sister were raped, sodomised and forced to perform oral sex by their father almost nightly for eight years. And many times they were subjected to sadistic torture. She started her blog to reach out to survivors like herself and to obtain healing by speaking out. The thing that really caught my attention was what she wrote. She asked whether, '... is it enough to merely want to survive? Or would you rather live your life by being a survivor who wants to thrive?'

A thriver. That made me think really long and hard. I then asked myself, 'Am I not surviving well?' I did not go through sexual abuse as a child. But I did go through a very, very tough period in my life which required me to fight daily in order to survive. I am still fighting daily for my life. And I am surviving. So that makes me a survivor. And I can proudly pat myself on my back that I survived and made it out alive. So what am I lacking then? I fought. I survived. I am alive. But am I thriving?

The word 'thrive' is a verb. Which means it is an action. It is something which you have to do.  The definition of 'thrive' is to prosper, to do well, to flourish, to grow, to develope, to advance, to succeed, to boom, to bloom, to grow rich, to grow strong and healthy. Which brings me to my point: are we people with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis thriving in our lives? Are we prospering where our souls are concerned? Are we doing well mentally? Are we flourishing in our attitudes toward life? Are we growing stronger in our attitude to fight? Are we advancing in this battle with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis? If you are not thriving, then you are merely surviving.

The thing with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis is that we never know when an attack will occur or how bad an attack can get. And in the midst of trying to find our footing in life all over again, we need to move forward and live a life which is full of LIFE! What is wrong with merely surviving? That would mean you are undermining your life from growing in leaps and bounds. By being a thriver, your soul would heal and be strengthened and that could attribute to your healing physically. Yes, we might not be able to travel anywhere to our whims and fancy (or even at all), we might not be able to eat whatever we want, we might not be able to spray ourselves with Elizabeth Arden or Christian Dior's Poison or even walk down the detergent aisle without holding our breath but to run past as quickly as possible with two fingers stuck into our nostrils. But by thriving, we will have the quality of life which all mankind so desperately need. And that is to live our lives even with our setbacks with a happy, contented and peaceful heart. So my million dollar question to you would be this: Are you a survivor or a thriver?




35 months ago was theday I met Death.

The Three Henchmen

They were a trio. They were the meanest trio that ever existed. Wherever they went, Fear, Pain and Despair were inseparable. . Fear of course was the leader. It would go around scouring for potential victims. And boy, did they have plenty of victims.  


Fear made sure it gripped the heart of the woman who was abused as a child and who is currently living in the women's shelter.  Fear made sure she grew up fearing that no one would love her and thus she grabbed the first available guy that came along though he showed signs of being abusive. Fear made her fearful of walking out of that relationship even though her body, soul and mind were as battered as the battle grounds of Armageddon. 


Fear then proceeded to scour the playground for the most timid child. It made sure the fear that the bully instilled in him stayed. Fear made sure he stayed mum about it until the day he died. Fear also made sure the child was bound by that fear so that he remained bullied even in his adult years. 


Fear then moved on to the housing area of the upper class. It went into the house which was the poshest of the poshest, and floated into that particular room. There sat a woman so plastic that even the plastic recycling company would reject her. Fearing that her husband would replace her for a SYT (Sweet Young Thing), she went under the knife multiple times to make herself 'perfect'. The fear of being rejected and unloved overode the fear of going under the knife so many times, risking her life. And yet after achieving 'perfection', fear still gripped her heart. The same old fear of her husband not loving her, not wanting her and rejecting her. 


Fear then roamed the streets and saw a driver suffocating with fear. Fear then pounded his brain with thoughts of fear of accidents and of loosing control of the vehicle. The driver was seized with a panic attack, stopped abruptly and stumbled out of the car and vomitted on the street. 'Job done!' laughed Fear with glee. 


Fear then went to the office of the woman who feared to be alone. Though she was constantly surrounded by people, she feared that she would end up alone in life. And because of that fear, she made a lot of unhappy compromises in her life. Though she was not alone, she was lonely. 


Fear proceeded to the restaurant where an elderly lady was dining with her husband. Fear ruled her life. She was afraid of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, afraid of doing the wrong things, afraid of the unknown and even of the known. And up to the age that she was now at, the grip that Fear had on her did not lessen. Instead the talons of Fear were embedded in her soul. Sad to say, Fear dictated her life. 

Once Fear was done, Pain would then move in onto the people whom Fear had full control. Pain made sure that their hearts ached, their souls ached, their minds gripped with blinding pain and then wrecked their bodies with pain so bad that they became reliant on drugs. And once Pain did its job, Despair came in. Despair made sure that all that have been controlled by Fear and Pain felt lost and a crushing sense of hopelessness. And once these three were done, the rest of the cohorts would move in. Depression, Violence, Worthlessness, Suicide, Destruction and many, many more. 


Fear went to visit an old pal whom it tormented when she was a child. Fear had its talons in her heart, mind and soul for years. And for years, Fear ruled and reigned in her life. But cursed be the day where she was set free because of Sickness. Sickness should never have struck her. If she did not have Sickness, she would forever be in Fear's possession. Her heart, mind and soul would belong to Fear. 'It is all ITS fault. It should have never touched her!' cursed Fear. And as the seconds ticked by, Fear became sick. Because Boldness, Courage and Life was in her heart. And being in the presence of those Three suffocated Fear. Fear was fearful of those Three!! The peace that surrounded her was suffocating Fear. And the serenity in her heart was as loud as the screeching emergency brakes of a runaway train. Fear scampered away from the place and found that it could slowly breathe again. 


As Fear was recovering from its fears, it was suddenly attacked, thrown into the air and shoved into the bowels of Hades. 'Bloody hell! What the hell was that for?!!' screeched Fear. 'You were supposed to instill FEAR into her! Not run away like a wuss!!!!!' bellowed a cold and menacingly evil voice. Voices snickered all around. The air was oppressive and crippling. It reeked with the smell of rotting corpses. The surroundings were filled with the screams of the damned. The coldness that permeated the air could freeze all the boiling lava in the universe. And it was this coldness that sought to take as many lives as possible even before life could take form. And this coldness was displeased with Fear. Dragging Fear up by its neck, the Voice hissed and said, 'Do your thing by the end of this week, or I will deal with you myself.' Fear cackled and retorted, 'You can't even touch her and you expect ME to do your dirty job?!'  The Voice screamed and flung Fear into the farthest corner of Hades. It then roared, 'It is not finished!!!!!!!!' All the other creatures shrunk in fear from the outburst. When the Voice was done, it turned around and there it was in its coldest and menacing splendour... Death. 


'O death, I will be thy plagues;


O grave, I will be thy destruction.'


 - Hosea 13:14

The Finish Line

I had a vision the other night

That I was running in a race with all my might

And I had to keep on going with only one thing on my mind

That was to make it to the finish line

The crowd was cheering us on

Their roar was deafening

Our spirits were greatly motivated

And we kept on running

The heavens suddenly grew dark and foreboding

They thundered and bellowed

A horrible threatening sounding

And most of the runners were suddenly mellowed

I looked to the left

I looked to the right

Gone were the runners

They did not even put up a fight

And then you appeared to me in a great, blinding light

And tried to instill in me, a terrible, great fear

But I put up a courageous fight

And said never in a million years

The heavens then opened up

And poured down so much rain

That it could fill up a lagoon

And the torrents almost swept me into the drain

And then I realized that I was all alone

And I was oh so cold to the bone

And I started to feel the strain

As I was being lambasted by the pounding rain

I struggled to breathe

And tried to stop my chattering teeth

I couldn’t even muster a cackle

It was as if I was weighed down by a thousand shackles

It suddenly dawned upon me

That I was running on fifth gear

It was as easy as do-re-mi

All I needed was to change to first gear

The rain came down even harder

But I wasn’t struggling anymore

I was renewed with a sudden burst of ardour

And I let out a mighty loud roar

There was a sudden change in the scene

The surrounding was all of a sudden very serene

I was now swimming in the great big sea

On my way to fulfill my destiny

I swam faster with renewed vigor

As I approached nearer, the island grew bigger

The young, eternal, wise sage sat on the rock

Waiting for me, never did he mock

When I finally did reach my finish line

He greeted me with a smile so divine

He told me to take a seat

And in anticipation, my heart skipped a beat

When he finally did open his mouth to speak

No words came out, no not even one

What came out made my knees so weak

And my emotions and mind became extremely undone

His vocal chords produced sounds that were unheard of

Harmonies that were so ancient,  way even before the Beginnings

Even time stood still to listen and so did the Heavens above

And my mind just couldn’t stop spinning

The past, present and future became one

What he did could never be outdone

The air, the land and sea came together

And they fused together as one resounding wonder

Time began moving forward again

When he was done with his mighty act

All creatures were in reverence and awe

For never will we see this again

He got up and walked away

Not before saying, ‘You would not have seen had you not run.’

  

35 months ago was
 The Day I Met Death

Joel = Breakthrough By Leaps & Bounds

The Joel during the 1st week of school was terribly lost and fearful. But even with his fear he was brave.

The Joel during the 2nd week of school was still lost and fearful. And he broke down somewhere during the middle of the week and had a panic attack which caused him nausea and difficulty in breathing.  The counsellors were called in and they had to remove him from the class and took him to the 'play room' where he could relax and calm down and get over his fears. These group of people are certified professionals. They connected with Joel and touched base with him a few times a day. In this way, he has people whom he can turn to while he is in school when I am not around.

The Joel during the 3rd week of school was ASTOUNDING! He overcame his fears. He became so at home at school. And bold too. His teachers and counsellors were amazed at his progress. My hubby took over sending him to school in the morning during the middle of 2nd week as I had become so exhausted that my sleep became even more interrupted during the night. I even fell asleep in the office while waiting for Joel to finish school.

At first Joel was very frightened on his own. I made a tiny card that stated 'Mommie and daddy loves Joel very much!' for him to carry in his shirt pocket. And one of his teachers suggested that we put our pictures at the back of his tag which he hangs around his neck so that he could look at us when he misses us and feel better. And then I started Whatsapp-ing him while they were stuck in the jam. And after the jam, either he would call me or I would call him and we would continue our conversation until he reaches school. I also gave him a tiny, little notebook which is placed inside his pencil box. I started a story and he would continue it when he arrives in school and then I would continue it at night and he would continue it the next day and so on and so forth.

Joel became confident and has been very at home in school. His teachers say that he enjoys school and has been participating well in his lessons and games. And he did something which I did not expect. I had signed him up for martial arts during school hours. He decided that he wanted to take part in the gymnast class as he wants to learn to walk on his hands and do stuff that a male gymnast does. He went to the teacher and told him he that he wanted to go to his class. And he did this ON HIS OWN! And when I asked him to why he did it. He said this, 'I wanted to try it out first. And if I do not like it at least I have tried. But after trying it out, I have decided that I LOVE the class very much and I will continue to be in this class.' Amazing. He is really a brave boy. And he insisted on staying back after school hours for extra swimming classes.

These 3 weeks have been a great stretch of faith for me. I drive about 300 kilometers a week! I don't think I travelled 300 kilometers in these 3 years since I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis. I am exposed to all sorts of smells and chemicals at Joel's school. I have met wonderful teachers, people, parents and students. And I am in one piece. I am happy and peaceful. What's more to say? This year is going to be a truly amazing year.


2012 - A Year of Reinvention

A Challenging Day!

A Setback

A Day of Progress

Life = Driving in KV (Part 1)

Life can be akin to driving in the Klang Valley (KV). You need to be bold, fearless and full of courage. You need to be prepared to get lost as the signboards are totally 100% informative. In life, you WILL get lost! Everyone gets lost at some point of time in their life. What works for others does not necessarily works for us. Just make sure that you have a handphone and a tank full of petrol. As there are traffic jams everywhere and at any time of the day, make sure you empty your bladder before embarking on your journey, have some snacks in the car and again, make sure your petrol tank is full. In other words, prepare yourself before you go on life's colourful journey.

Driving in KV requires full concentration as there are constantly emergency brakes. The reason? We have lots of gawkers, sleepy drivers and drivers who are permanently entwined with their gadgets. Or should I say handphones. Many or rather most of the drivers today have eyes that are glued to their phones rather than on the road. And when emergency brakes occur, they are not alert enough to avert a collision. Accidents are a normal occurrence in the KV. It is a daily affair. And yet, drivers still do not learn. In life, we should have our eyes on the road of our journey. We need to pay attention to what is happening in our life. If you see a breakdown coming, take a break. If you see a collision in front of you, don't continue head on. Put the brakes on and STOP! And stop whining about wasting those 5 or 15 minutes. Be thankful that you have your life. Be grateful that you are intact! Unharmed. Alive.

I remember how my dad would sit next to me for the next few months after I had obtained my driver's license to guide and to teach me how to maneuver the car. I remember very clearly what he told me about driving around bends and big turns. He told me how my body should flow along with the turn. And if I turned to the left, my body should incline towards the left. And if I turned to the right, my body should incline towards the right. It is true that we should go with the flow in life. We should never be rigid. By inclining ourselves toward the direction that life takes us, we will be able to adapt better and to steer life in an easier manner. Why don't you be rigid when you drive the next time and try to turn that sharp bend and let's see how well you maneuver it.

To be a mature and experienced driver takes time. It is the same with life. It takes time and maturity for one to be able to handle life's unexpected hiccups and bumpy rides. If you give up on driving, you will get nowhere. Oh yes, you can always rely on our 'efficient' public transport which will cause you endless delays and many times not arriving at your destination at all. And if you give up with life, you are as good as dead. Of course shit happens. Unexpected bangs from the back or side. Breakdowns. Tyre punctures. Shattered windshields by flying pebbles. What will you do then? Give up on driving? Give in to the fear of being smashed again? Take the public transport and get derailed, delayed or not ever arriving at your destination?

The more you drive, the better you will become at it. The more you live your life in an alive manner, trust me, you will excel in life. Someway or another.


Coming soon : Life = Driving in KV(Part 2:The Top 10 Drivers That You Meet On The Road)



Robinson Crusoe's Friday

The Number Song

One, two, three, four, five
You need to be kicking and alive
All you need to do is to just dive
And once you're done, you will have your life

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten
You don't ever need to pretend
To be the great Superman
To fight the boogeyman

Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen
In three years, many things I've seen
And I know fear is like gangrene
Once it infects you, your life will be far from serene

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen
Wallowing in defeat without fighting is obscene
You need to be a lean, mean fighting machine
Then you will be known as Victorious, The Queen

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty
If you want freedom badly
You will fight for it daily
For not doing so is folly

Sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety
In life we need esprit
Though at times, life can be crappy
It too can be chirpy

One hundred is the targeted goal
Just make sure you do not fall into a manhole
Or get caught in a sinkhole
For there will be occasional hellholes
Just don't loose control
Or even your soul
And you would have scored your first goal
And realize that you have been made whole

2012 - A Year of Reinvention

Change. How I hated that word. How I struggled with the implementation of that word. How I tried to avoid being in situations of change. I had to learn it the hard way, where change is concerned.

2012 is finally here. And no, the world did not come to an end. But something did come to an end. And it was the year of 2011. And for me, 2011 was a  year of unending struggles, pain, severe depression (till I had actually broken down, burst into tears and bawled at my physician's room) and unending reactions to anything and everything.

It was during these six weeks of the year-end school holidays that I worked towards change even more. Mind you, I have already 'changed' where my lifestyle, my beliefs, and my attitudes are concerned. But changing alone wasn't enough. I had to reinvent myself.

How does one with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis reinvents oneself? By being more flexible, more graceful towards change and more open to 'bumpy rides'. And being a mother with IA to a six-year old boy, I have had to reinvent and transform (not only my life), but our lives. And that is not an easy task. And certainly not fair for my family. But it is necessary for my survival and it gives us the quality of life.

Tomorrow will be the day where we will be officially joining the mad, rat race. And not only will the little young man be facing school life in a totally new environment, his mommie too will be entering into uncharted territory. Driving at such early hours and to such a far distance is definitely not my cup of tea. And being a hermit for 33 months has made me very rusty where social skills are concerned. And being so sensitive to smells will put me in many 'unpleasant' situations. But I will make sure that I will take my medication every day.  And I carry tons of masks everywhere I go. I will learn to take it easy. AND sleep as much as I can.

We have been preparing ourselves for these six weeks. I made sure I ate a balanced meal EVERYDAY even though I did not feel like eating AND cooking at many times. I have made sure that my salicylate levels are kept at an absolute minimum. I made sure that my emotional state of health is healthy as possible. And for this past one week I have been baking whatever food that I will be needing for this week. This being Joel's first week of school will see me camping at his school for 7 1/2 hours a day. I will have to make sure that Joel is confident and not traumatized at being so far away from me for such a long period of time. I will have to reassure him that I will be fine and no, I will not drop dead with him not being at my side. I have done my part. I have done my best. And so the rest, is in God's hands.

As I am writing this, I do feel some trepidation. I would be lying if I said I was not anxious and afraid. But in reinventing my life, our lives, I have learnt that we cannot live in fear. The moment fear controls our minds, we have already lost the battle. Of course there will always be the thought at the back of my mind to whether I could have another anaphylaxis attack. But I refuse to let IA control my life to the point where I have to bow down to it and live with a crippled soul. I refuse to live a life full of fear having overcome Death. I refuse to be afraid in crossing this wide chasm where it feels as though I am walking on water. I refuse to shrink back into my hermit-shell and hide in fear. And by refusing to give in to fear, I have reinvented my life. And that will be my journey, our journey for 2012.

33 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

The Perseverance of a Lifetime

These six weeks have been the the most fully utilized holiday that I have had since the anaphylaxis attack 33 months ago which had totally changed my life 180 degrees.

What did I do, you asked? I did what I have been doing all these 33 months which is fighting the good fight of IA. The difference? I went ahead and walked in the disgustingly smelly, gooey and slippery mud. Though I have been trudging in the mire all this while, this round I made sure I wore boots that were knee-high and a mud-proof coat and I walked through the mud unsullied. And I walked on. On and on and on and on. Of course I had mud slung onto parts of my face that were exposed. But this time, I protected my eyes with goggles. My head with a cap. And my face with masks. Tons of masks. 

And what did I do during these 6 weeks? I went out! I met up with friends whom I have not seen in a decade. I practiced driving in the blinding storm to my son's new school. I made sure I got used to driving in all sorts of weather and at all sorts of time of the day. I made new types of food that I have not eaten in these 33 months. I started adjusting my waking up times to be earlier bit by bit as I would need to be up at 5am when school starts. I had holiday projects with the little young man. I cleared the garden. I fell sick. And I had two near-anaphylaxis attacks. But I refused to wallow in depression. I took my anti-histamines and made sure life went on. And whatever methods that did not work, I threw it out of the window and applied a new one. With no self-condemnation that I failed. With no self-kicking or cursing myself that I failed. Because in life, as long as we do not give up, we do not fail even if we fall trying. And I can proudly say today that I tried. I did fall. But I got up again. And at a faster pace this time. And the getting up was much easier. And in all that I did during these six weeks, the little young man was with me. In this persevering journey of mine.

And so as I am writing this, the Joel of today compared to six weeks ago has grown enormously and tremendously. He has become such a confident little boy. He is no longer afraid of of new situations or people like he used to be. And even if he was afraid, he did not show it and he could even stay in that situation for hours, enjoying himself and having fun. He became bold. We no longer have to have a tug of war where going out is concerned. In all those months of depression this year, I became a recluse, hiding like a hermit in the house. And Joel picked up this behavior from me. It was a struggle to bring him out for an outing as he would want to 'stay in the house forever' as he puts it. Yup, he picked up depression from his mother. Going out to the garden was fine. But an outing to the mall, to meet people, was a HUGE struggle. He was petrified of people. He hated to leave the house, which had become his sanctuary, when in fact there was nothing for him to hide from in the first place. Today, he is a totally different person. And I am screaming 'Hallelujah' at this amazing transformation that I see in him.

Like I wrote in one of my previous posts, I am in this race where I constantly have to jump over hurdles after hurdles after hurdles. And at many, many times, I thought I would have crashed into the hurdles and be permanently disabled in my soul as a result of the crash. But it is a miracle that I somehow not only managed to survive but to also have a clean jump. And the more amazing part is that, the little young man at the age of six, managed to clear the hurdles with me and jumps with joy that I had made it through. And it is so rewarding to see him grow as a person although his mother has failed numerous times in so many areas.

So in one week's time, the both of us will be on our new journey. This journey begins in a new year, a new environment, meeting new people, facing new challenges and new adventures. A good friend of mine asked me to whether I am ready for this new phase. Am I ready? Then I asked myself, 'Will I ever be ready?' We can prepare ourselves till the moon becomes blue and until the cows come home and yet we would only know whether we are ready when we are thrown into that situation. And so yes, I have sharpened my sword, strengthened my armour, fed my body, soul, spirit and mind. So yes, hopefully I will be ready for the battles, adventures, journey and to continue on with the perseverance of a lifetime.

So as we move on to a new year, a new phase, let's all persevere on in our lives. Let's move on to greener pastures and to the land of milk and honey. What say you?





33 months ago was:
The Day I Met Death

Times of Reflection

Today is December 1st 2011. 30 more days and it will be the end of the year. And so I asked myself what 'achievements' have I achieved this year? How have I grown this year? What have I done with my life this year which is different from the last?

I went through a long period of depression this year. I had a relapse which sent me rushing to the ER in December 2010. And the best part was, it happened on my birthday! A very unique birthday present indeed. The ER doctor wasn't the least bit alarmed when I told him I had jabbed myself with the Epi-Pen and that I have had anaphylactic shocks before. And when he casually asked to what may have caused this visit to the ER, I told him that it was the Peckham pear that I had consumed 2 hours before. You should have seen the look on his face! It was as though I had told him that I was a Martian from planet Jupiter and that I have come to give him moonstones from the sun. My point exactly. He did not believe me and acted like he had just heard the most ridiculous thing in his entire doctor life. It was as though I had completely made the story up and had gone to the ER for fun. It was only after they had a quick look through my file and saw my history, that the doctor became 'concerned' and asked me whether I could breathe or not. If it was a fatal attack, I would have been a corpse by the time he was 'concerned'. I was sent home after a dose of Hydrocortisone and Puriton was administered. I was still strong emotionally and mentally even though I had become sensitive to salivylates again. Prior to this relapse, I could eat food with salicylates with no reaction and could take all sorts of smell with no reaction for almost a year.

But after the relapse, I started contracting viruses and infections like a lint trap. I was constantly ill. Being ill and being super-sensitive to salicylates again wore me down emotionally. I was a wreck mentally. It came to a point that I had to be admitted because of a severe sinus infection which resulted in me blowing out globs of mucus with blood. By the time the whole lint-trap-catching-infections all came to a stop, it was already March 2011! 3 months of being ill continuously with no meds and reacting to every single smell finally broke my spirit. I fell into a depression so deep that I had spiraled out of control. I couldn't wake up in the mornings. And there were many, many mornings that I had woken up just in time to brush my teeth, dump the chicken in the pot to boil chicken soup and then go pick my son up from his school. And this went on for months.

I decided to give myself time. I decided not to push myself into trying to get out of the abyss that I was in. And slowly and steadily, I got out. I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

And then August came. And I started having near-anaphylaxis attacks again! Week after week after week of attacks. Everything and anything was triggering the attacks. Before I could even finish bringing the laundry into the house, my mouth, sinus cavities, nose and throat would be burning and by the time I got into the house, my head would be pounding, my eyes red and I would start to have difficulty breathing. And then the diarrhea and the stupor for days from the double and triple doses of medications. All because the Neighbour was cooking something that irritated my system. Or the Neighbour had her laundry reeking with softener and laundry detergent that smelt like it came from Perfume Factory. I did wear masks. But they were too thin. And so began the hunt for thick cloth masks. And then I went to see my immunologist again and told him what I was using, eating and I told him about my garden. And lo and behold, I discovered that the Lantanas which were in my garden contain high-levels of salicylates! And I had SIX pots of them!!!! I absolutely LOVE Lantanas. And so with a heavy heart, I got rid of them. And it was end September. Finally October came and my system finally stopped reacting to every single thing. Finally the calm after constantly trying to outrun the tsunami for 2 months. And then I got a viral flu in November!!! Talk about being pushed to the limit.

So what have I achieved in 2011? My attempt to eat Nasi Lemak and sushi in 2011 has still not yet materialize. But I have been able to consume a certain brand of pasta in small amounts with no reaction. I can eat small amounts of food with salicylate here and there with no reaction. I have learned to cook salicylate-free food in more ways than I did last year. And that is a great achievement for me. I have grown to be more calm in stormy weathers this year compared to last year. I have corrected more of my imperfections which others have pointed out to me. And I have become even more resilient. Though my body is still weak, but my spirit, soul and mind are not.

I started this blog in order to look for people who are in the same boat as I am in and to share what I have been through. And I did. And these group of people have been a great encouragement. At least to them, I am not speaking Greek! I had also joined online support groups and forums to learn more and to share. And I have found a very good Idiopathic Anaphylaxis support group.

For most of 2011, I have been on battlegrounds, going out to war and battling for victory. I have lost some wars. I have won some. And at times, I have even looted my enemy's spoil and taken back what I have lost and sometimes more than what I have lost. And I am still alive AND free. And to me, that is the greatest achievement in my entire life on this planet Earth.