Times of Reflection

Today is December 1st 2011. 30 more days and it will be the end of the year. And so I asked myself what 'achievements' have I achieved this year? How have I grown this year? What have I done with my life this year which is different from the last?

I went through a long period of depression this year. I had a relapse which sent me rushing to the ER in December 2010. And the best part was, it happened on my birthday! A very unique birthday present indeed. The ER doctor wasn't the least bit alarmed when I told him I had jabbed myself with the Epi-Pen and that I have had anaphylactic shocks before. And when he casually asked to what may have caused this visit to the ER, I told him that it was the Peckham pear that I had consumed 2 hours before. You should have seen the look on his face! It was as though I had told him that I was a Martian from planet Jupiter and that I have come to give him moonstones from the sun. My point exactly. He did not believe me and acted like he had just heard the most ridiculous thing in his entire doctor life. It was as though I had completely made the story up and had gone to the ER for fun. It was only after they had a quick look through my file and saw my history, that the doctor became 'concerned' and asked me whether I could breathe or not. If it was a fatal attack, I would have been a corpse by the time he was 'concerned'. I was sent home after a dose of Hydrocortisone and Puriton was administered. I was still strong emotionally and mentally even though I had become sensitive to salivylates again. Prior to this relapse, I could eat food with salicylates with no reaction and could take all sorts of smell with no reaction for almost a year.

But after the relapse, I started contracting viruses and infections like a lint trap. I was constantly ill. Being ill and being super-sensitive to salicylates again wore me down emotionally. I was a wreck mentally. It came to a point that I had to be admitted because of a severe sinus infection which resulted in me blowing out globs of mucus with blood. By the time the whole lint-trap-catching-infections all came to a stop, it was already March 2011! 3 months of being ill continuously with no meds and reacting to every single smell finally broke my spirit. I fell into a depression so deep that I had spiraled out of control. I couldn't wake up in the mornings. And there were many, many mornings that I had woken up just in time to brush my teeth, dump the chicken in the pot to boil chicken soup and then go pick my son up from his school. And this went on for months.

I decided to give myself time. I decided not to push myself into trying to get out of the abyss that I was in. And slowly and steadily, I got out. I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

And then August came. And I started having near-anaphylaxis attacks again! Week after week after week of attacks. Everything and anything was triggering the attacks. Before I could even finish bringing the laundry into the house, my mouth, sinus cavities, nose and throat would be burning and by the time I got into the house, my head would be pounding, my eyes red and I would start to have difficulty breathing. And then the diarrhea and the stupor for days from the double and triple doses of medications. All because the Neighbour was cooking something that irritated my system. Or the Neighbour had her laundry reeking with softener and laundry detergent that smelt like it came from Perfume Factory. I did wear masks. But they were too thin. And so began the hunt for thick cloth masks. And then I went to see my immunologist again and told him what I was using, eating and I told him about my garden. And lo and behold, I discovered that the Lantanas which were in my garden contain high-levels of salicylates! And I had SIX pots of them!!!! I absolutely LOVE Lantanas. And so with a heavy heart, I got rid of them. And it was end September. Finally October came and my system finally stopped reacting to every single thing. Finally the calm after constantly trying to outrun the tsunami for 2 months. And then I got a viral flu in November!!! Talk about being pushed to the limit.

So what have I achieved in 2011? My attempt to eat Nasi Lemak and sushi in 2011 has still not yet materialize. But I have been able to consume a certain brand of pasta in small amounts with no reaction. I can eat small amounts of food with salicylate here and there with no reaction. I have learned to cook salicylate-free food in more ways than I did last year. And that is a great achievement for me. I have grown to be more calm in stormy weathers this year compared to last year. I have corrected more of my imperfections which others have pointed out to me. And I have become even more resilient. Though my body is still weak, but my spirit, soul and mind are not.

I started this blog in order to look for people who are in the same boat as I am in and to share what I have been through. And I did. And these group of people have been a great encouragement. At least to them, I am not speaking Greek! I had also joined online support groups and forums to learn more and to share. And I have found a very good Idiopathic Anaphylaxis support group.

For most of 2011, I have been on battlegrounds, going out to war and battling for victory. I have lost some wars. I have won some. And at times, I have even looted my enemy's spoil and taken back what I have lost and sometimes more than what I have lost. And I am still alive AND free. And to me, that is the greatest achievement in my entire life on this planet Earth.