A Drive

I am currently at the burnout stage. Am I admitting defeat? I don't think so. All I know is that I am so, so very tired. It feels as though the worms of tiredness have been chewing away at the core of my strength and fighting spirit. I 'feel' defeated. I am breathing defeat. Even my mind has ceased to function. It is as if my whole system is facing a shut-down. Loud alarms are ringing, screaming, telling me to escape before I end-up permanently locked-up inside of myself, unable to escape.

I am still reeling from the previous reactions. I am still in the process of getting the body, mind and soul back on track.

I was so exhausted and depressed to the point I could not wake up this morning. Hubby and son were late for work AND school as a result. And I finally rolled out of bed at 10something. And that took a gargantuan effort. Waking up was the toughest thing I had to do this morning. It took all the Herculean spirit in me to push myself up. I wanted to hide inside the bed forever and never come out.

Thus, I pushed myself with every single bit of strength that was left in me. And I drove 30+ kilometres to a mall to run errands which have been long overdue. As I was driving on the expressway, I suddenly became 'comfortable' with the pure road noise. The speed limit is 110 kmph. 110 so it was. And the sound of the tires hitting the tar road was purely heaven. I know it sounds crazy, but it calmed my frazzled nerves. It reminded me of how white noise calmed Joel down and lulled him to deep sleep when he was just a baby. He would sleep like a log while the vacuum cleaner was in use or when I was using the breast pump to extract milk for him! The moment the vacuum or the breast pump stopped, he would wake up and cry! White noise somehow comforted him. And the pure road noise comforted me. It drew out the frustration, anger and exhaustion in me. And I became calmer.

I can't wait for tomorrow's round two. You should try it. Pure road noise. Even Adele and Jamie Cullum can't beat that!!