The Glorious Heavens (Part 7)

'Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste the sky as well as the earth.' - Henry David Thoreau

Robinson Crusoe's Friday

It was a long time ago that I had thought of life as a sailing ship in relatively smooth seas. I had believed with all my heart, soul and mind that God would deliver me from all my troubles, sickness and battles in life. That was what I was taught in church. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the ship that I was on would be shipwrecked. Never would I have thought that I would be in that vast, deep, blue sea. And how I survived floating for months in that shark-infested waters. And then finally I was washed ashore to an island so remote that the companions for the remaining of my life would be the sand, sea and sun. Not my ideal way to spend the rest of my life. I prefer snow, snowmen and snow angels. The best part? I am unable to swim. Don't ask me how I survived. It's a miracle.

I fell into the depths of despair. I became devastated that the life I once had was now just a fragment in my mind. Neatly tucked away at the back of my mind. Or whatever that is left of it. For months and years my soul was one with depression. For months I contemplated with walking into the deep blue sea to end it all. I existed for the sake of existing. If you had seen me during the early days back then, you would see the anorexic condition of my soul and spirit. The eyes of my soul protruding out of my eye sockets. The gaunt look that was me. Emptiness crawling out of my heart. Silence continuously screaming in my head.

It was one of the days that as I was washing my face at the stream that I saw my reflection in the waters. I really SAW what I had become. Unrecognizable. I didn't know who was staring back at me. Those haunted, vacant eyes were dead. I was dead. In defying Death, I realized that I did not cheat Death after all. Death was alive in me.

And so for the next few days, I contemplated on how to live my life on this solitary island. I vowed to myself to learn to live life from scratch. I learned how to make my food from scratch. I learned how to plant my food. I learned how to live a life that is alive. My soul started healing. I got my spirit back. And I know that the perception of the God that I used to worship was wrong. Do I still believe in God? Yes, I do. But I can never view Him in the same manner again.

It was during the time before the arrival of the savages that I learned how to fight in combat. I knew in my heart that one day, this would come in handy. I made weapons for combat. And I practiced. And then, one fine, serene morning, they arrived. I snuck under a bush to observe what the savages were up to. They had about ten slaves with them. And they let them loose to run for their lives before being hunted down and slaughtered like animals. And once the savages succeeded, they howled with victory and ate their victims on the spot. Some of the slaves were to afraid to run. And they died without attempting to fight for their lives. Some did try to run, but they were no match for the savages. Two of the slaves managed to kill the savages. And then I saw one of the slaves running for her life and a strong sense of deja vu washed over me. I pursued her and her attacker. As the savage was about to attack her, I killed him with my spear. And he dropped dead on the spot. When she turned around, I had the greatest shock of my life. She was ME! I had finally found myself. It took the shipwreck, miraculously surviving in the shark-infested-water, being washed ashore on this remote island, going through severe depression, finally coming out of it and months of preparation and fighting savages for me to finally meet myself. When I looked and saw all the slain savages, they had transformed back into their original form. And they were depression, despair, pain, fear, discouragement, and death.

Life has a peculiar way in bringing you back to the exact point where you had gotten lost. And most of the time, how you find your way back to the right path is really ambiguous. There is no wrong or right. There is no 'You should' or 'You ought to'. It is every man for himself.

For now, my time is still on this island. I still have much to learn. As Robinson Crusoe and Friday were rescued from that island, I too will leave this island one day. And I will cherish this island and the journeys and lessons that it has taught me. Because of this journey, I have found myself, my life and the meaning of life that no church could have taught me.

When the time has come for you to meet YOUR Friday, set him free. Set him free from the savages. For in doing so, you will set yourself free. Kill the savages of depression, despair and death and you will finally have met yourself.




34 months ago was 
The Day I Met Death


2012 is
A Year of Reinvention

A Day of Progress

Yesterday was a great day. Joel was very much better, braver and took the initiative to talk to his new classmates. And I did not need to wait outside his classroom yesterday! YAY! Hip-hip-hooray!!! I can't wait for the day where he is brave enough that I do not need to camp at the school. I have so much to do. I have not finish my writing. My garden needs its gardener. My bread and biscuits are dwindling in numbers!

I do not know whether I have grown 'immune' to the sickeningly-sweet-strawberry-smell that seems to permeate the air or my immune system have somehow grown stronger. But I am not taking any risk. I wear 2 or 3 layers of masks. I take my anti-histamines medication everyday. I sleep before 10pm every night (except tonight!) I make sure that I eat a very balanced meal everyday. And with all this walking back and forth from the office to the class during these 3 days, I think I have walked all the way to Singapore.

School yesterday was only half-day. I think yesterday was the first time in a VERY long time that the first thought in my mind immediately upon waking up was, 'Thank God it's Friday!!!!!'


34 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

&

2012 is a Year of Reinvention

A Setback

Sleep for me was still  a bit disruptive. I think I was too exhausted. I thought I had slept through the night and had woken up at 5am until I saw that the time was only 1.10am!!! This phase will definitely need some time getting used to. Not only for the little young man, but also for the mommie. The night before was worse. I woke up at an interval of every two hours.

Joel is worse off today compared to yesterday. He was extremely clingy, very emotional and very fragile emotionally. He cried a lot and begged me to stay with him. He broke down many times today. He told me that he wants to be with me forever. And that he wants me around even when he grows old. This new chapter of our lives will definitely take more time than I had initially thought. But despite of his fear, he was still very brave. He could think and answer the teachers' questions. He participated in the class discussions. He walked to the cafeteria with his classmates without me. He asked the teacher's permission to go to the toilet and went by himself. I taught him how to lock and unlock the numeric lock for his locker and he could do it very well. I was observing him without him being aware of my presence. So the little young man is extremely brave despite of his fear. And I am very proud of him. It was during moments where I have to leave his side that he panics. His class teacher told me that he asked whether I was ok and whether I was still in school when he could not see me.

I am hiding in the admin office as usual as I am writing this post. I have written to the principal and assistant principal asking for more time and they have given me permission to hang around longer than is allowed. The teachers and people who work here have been very helpful and understanding. I am PATIENTLY waiting for Joel to overcome his fear and insecurities. I am very tired today and it is showing as the principal said that I look exhausted. I can't wait for Saturday. I want to sleep.


34 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

A Very Challenging Day!

So we made it to school early today. I cooked my food last night and left it in the electric pot on 'Keep Warm' mode. I woke up at 5am and boiled fresh rice and got ready. Got the little young man up at 6am and we left 10 minutes before 7am. Not without some minor hiccups though.

The little young man is braver than his kindy years. He is still nervous but overall very much bolder. He just needs a bit more time to build up his confidence. He needs a bit more time to be assured that his mommie would be fine when he is away from her. With a bit more time, patience and love, he would be fine. Time and patience is what he needs.

For me, it was an extra challenging day. The toilets reeked with the smell of cleaning detergents with the power of an atom bomb. I went in and came out in less than a minute and I could smell it in my brain even after 12 hours. I could taste the chemical-laced-strawberry-smell on my tongue. I searched for 'odour-less' toilets but all of them reeked with this horrible chemical smell. I even had to throw away the masks which I wore as the masks were saturated with it. So I spent my time walking around the school 'sniffing like a dog' for safe places to hide. And then there was some renovation which was still going on. And the paint and lacquer smells were horrendous. And the cafeteria's food smell was wafting through the school. It was 'Here smells, there smells, everywhere got smells. Evelyn cannot stand the chemical smells, Ee-yai, Ee-yai ooooh!' sung to 'Old McDonald Had A Farm' tune. 

I swallowed an extra tablet of Xyzal today to make sure nothing untoward would happen. And I hid in the administration office. I wore my masks. Of course I had rude stares and one-kind vibes coming out from some of the parents. But I have gone through so much that my skin now is as thick as an elephant's hide. My health is much more important than what people think of me. 

I had written a letter to the principal in December telling him of my medical condition and that I would need more time than is allowed to be at school for Joel to overcome his separation anxiety. Up till today, Joel still asks to whether I have died if I run an errand extra long or if I am late in returning to him. In order for Joel to be confident in this new school, the teachers would need to understand why he is so clingy to me and that he need more time than other children. Like I said earlier, all he needs is time and patience in dealing with him. And so I managed to meet the principal in person today to explain to him about what Joel had gone through and what my life is like today. And the e-mail which I wrote to him would be forwarded to all the teachers who would come into contact with Joel. They would know how to deal with him once they understand what he has been through at such a young age. 

I have made friends with a few of Joel's classmates mothers. They were very friendly and nice people and we exchanged numbers. And I told them about my condition and the need to hide behind the masks. I used to be uncomfortable about sharing. But I am not anymore. Why should I? There is nothing to be embarassed about. If people do not understand, I can share and help others to understand this little-known ailment. Even the nice ladies in the administration office know about my condition and I am allowed to hide in here and wait for the little young man. I can go and check on him and return to this safe haven.

Being a mother with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis has humbled me and yet made me so strong in my soul. I am very grateful for the lessons it has taught me. And I am waiting for the day where I go into remission and when chemicals and salicylates would not affect me anymore.






33 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

2012 - A Year of Reinvention

Change. How I hated that word. How I struggled with the implementation of that word. How I tried to avoid being in situations of change. I had to learn it the hard way, where change is concerned.

2012 is finally here. And no, the world did not come to an end. But something did come to an end. And it was the year of 2011. And for me, 2011 was a  year of unending struggles, pain, severe depression (till I had actually broken down, burst into tears and bawled at my physician's room) and unending reactions to anything and everything.

It was during these six weeks of the year-end school holidays that I worked towards change even more. Mind you, I have already 'changed' where my lifestyle, my beliefs, and my attitudes are concerned. But changing alone wasn't enough. I had to reinvent myself.

How does one with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis reinvents oneself? By being more flexible, more graceful towards change and more open to 'bumpy rides'. And being a mother with IA to a six-year old boy, I have had to reinvent and transform (not only my life), but our lives. And that is not an easy task. And certainly not fair for my family. But it is necessary for my survival and it gives us the quality of life.

Tomorrow will be the day where we will be officially joining the mad, rat race. And not only will the little young man be facing school life in a totally new environment, his mommie too will be entering into uncharted territory. Driving at such early hours and to such a far distance is definitely not my cup of tea. And being a hermit for 33 months has made me very rusty where social skills are concerned. And being so sensitive to smells will put me in many 'unpleasant' situations. But I will make sure that I will take my medication every day.  And I carry tons of masks everywhere I go. I will learn to take it easy. AND sleep as much as I can.

We have been preparing ourselves for these six weeks. I made sure I ate a balanced meal EVERYDAY even though I did not feel like eating AND cooking at many times. I have made sure that my salicylate levels are kept at an absolute minimum. I made sure that my emotional state of health is healthy as possible. And for this past one week I have been baking whatever food that I will be needing for this week. This being Joel's first week of school will see me camping at his school for 7 1/2 hours a day. I will have to make sure that Joel is confident and not traumatized at being so far away from me for such a long period of time. I will have to reassure him that I will be fine and no, I will not drop dead with him not being at my side. I have done my part. I have done my best. And so the rest, is in God's hands.

As I am writing this, I do feel some trepidation. I would be lying if I said I was not anxious and afraid. But in reinventing my life, our lives, I have learnt that we cannot live in fear. The moment fear controls our minds, we have already lost the battle. Of course there will always be the thought at the back of my mind to whether I could have another anaphylaxis attack. But I refuse to let IA control my life to the point where I have to bow down to it and live with a crippled soul. I refuse to live a life full of fear having overcome Death. I refuse to be afraid in crossing this wide chasm where it feels as though I am walking on water. I refuse to shrink back into my hermit-shell and hide in fear. And by refusing to give in to fear, I have reinvented my life. And that will be my journey, our journey for 2012.

33 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

Buckwheat & Oats

The little young man and I had a very long baking session which lasted for 5 hours. We made cupcakes (as usual!), buckwheat crackers and oat crunchies.

We made lemon and orange cupcakes.

The moment it was warm, the little young man helped himself to them!

Here's the recipe for the lemon cupcakes. If you can tolerate lemons and oranges, (I can't. I bake them for my family.) these cupcakes are yummy to the tummy!

Cupcakes recipe

Buckwheat crackers

Ingredients:

1. Buckwheat flour (200g)
2. High protein unbleached bread flour (400g)
3. 1/2 teaspoon of sea-salt
4. 1/2 cup of cold water

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1. Pour the sieved flours into a large bowl.

2. Add the salt.

3. Add the cold water and knead till smooth.

4. Break the dough up into about 7 small balls.

5. On an aluminium foil, place a small ball of dough on it.

6. Add some flour over the balls and roll them flat with a rolling pin.

7. Pre-cut the crackers before baking them.

8. Bake at 190C for about 30 minutes or until crispy.

9. Once the crackers are cool, break them into pieces.

All lined-up, waiting to go into the oven.

Crispy buckwheat crackers

Oat Crunchies

Ingredients:

1. Organic rolled oats and baby rolled oats (500g)
2. Brown sugar (1/4 cups)
3. Sunflower oil (1/4 cups)
4. 2 eggs

------------------

1. Pour oats, brown sugar, eggs and sunflower oil into large bowl.

2. Mix all ingredients until equally blended.

3. Spoon into tiny paper cups.

4. Bake at 200C for 20 minutes.

5. Serve once they are cool. You can refrigerate the rest in an airtight container.

Before baking

Rows of freshly baked oat crunchies

The Creatures in the Container Garden (Part 2)

White Marked Tussock Moth Caterpillars

I got rid of this plant (I have no idea what it is called) and the caterpillars. Apparently touching the hairs of these caterpillars will set off an allergic reaction. With me being so sensitive and having had anaphylactic shocks before, it is better and wiser to get rid of them!

Squash Bugs!

Fruit Fly

Cucumber Bug

Cycad Blue Butterfly (Chilades pandava pandava)

Purple Hairstreak Butterfly

Dragonfly

The Perseverance of a Lifetime

These six weeks have been the the most fully utilized holiday that I have had since the anaphylaxis attack 33 months ago which had totally changed my life 180 degrees.

What did I do, you asked? I did what I have been doing all these 33 months which is fighting the good fight of IA. The difference? I went ahead and walked in the disgustingly smelly, gooey and slippery mud. Though I have been trudging in the mire all this while, this round I made sure I wore boots that were knee-high and a mud-proof coat and I walked through the mud unsullied. And I walked on. On and on and on and on. Of course I had mud slung onto parts of my face that were exposed. But this time, I protected my eyes with goggles. My head with a cap. And my face with masks. Tons of masks. 

And what did I do during these 6 weeks? I went out! I met up with friends whom I have not seen in a decade. I practiced driving in the blinding storm to my son's new school. I made sure I got used to driving in all sorts of weather and at all sorts of time of the day. I made new types of food that I have not eaten in these 33 months. I started adjusting my waking up times to be earlier bit by bit as I would need to be up at 5am when school starts. I had holiday projects with the little young man. I cleared the garden. I fell sick. And I had two near-anaphylaxis attacks. But I refused to wallow in depression. I took my anti-histamines and made sure life went on. And whatever methods that did not work, I threw it out of the window and applied a new one. With no self-condemnation that I failed. With no self-kicking or cursing myself that I failed. Because in life, as long as we do not give up, we do not fail even if we fall trying. And I can proudly say today that I tried. I did fall. But I got up again. And at a faster pace this time. And the getting up was much easier. And in all that I did during these six weeks, the little young man was with me. In this persevering journey of mine.

And so as I am writing this, the Joel of today compared to six weeks ago has grown enormously and tremendously. He has become such a confident little boy. He is no longer afraid of of new situations or people like he used to be. And even if he was afraid, he did not show it and he could even stay in that situation for hours, enjoying himself and having fun. He became bold. We no longer have to have a tug of war where going out is concerned. In all those months of depression this year, I became a recluse, hiding like a hermit in the house. And Joel picked up this behavior from me. It was a struggle to bring him out for an outing as he would want to 'stay in the house forever' as he puts it. Yup, he picked up depression from his mother. Going out to the garden was fine. But an outing to the mall, to meet people, was a HUGE struggle. He was petrified of people. He hated to leave the house, which had become his sanctuary, when in fact there was nothing for him to hide from in the first place. Today, he is a totally different person. And I am screaming 'Hallelujah' at this amazing transformation that I see in him.

Like I wrote in one of my previous posts, I am in this race where I constantly have to jump over hurdles after hurdles after hurdles. And at many, many times, I thought I would have crashed into the hurdles and be permanently disabled in my soul as a result of the crash. But it is a miracle that I somehow not only managed to survive but to also have a clean jump. And the more amazing part is that, the little young man at the age of six, managed to clear the hurdles with me and jumps with joy that I had made it through. And it is so rewarding to see him grow as a person although his mother has failed numerous times in so many areas.

So in one week's time, the both of us will be on our new journey. This journey begins in a new year, a new environment, meeting new people, facing new challenges and new adventures. A good friend of mine asked me to whether I am ready for this new phase. Am I ready? Then I asked myself, 'Will I ever be ready?' We can prepare ourselves till the moon becomes blue and until the cows come home and yet we would only know whether we are ready when we are thrown into that situation. And so yes, I have sharpened my sword, strengthened my armour, fed my body, soul, spirit and mind. So yes, hopefully I will be ready for the battles, adventures, journey and to continue on with the perseverance of a lifetime.

So as we move on to a new year, a new phase, let's all persevere on in our lives. Let's move on to greener pastures and to the land of milk and honey. What say you?





33 months ago was:
The Day I Met Death

Home-Made Dumplings and Popiahs and A Very Simple Christmas Dinner

Merry Christmas everybody!

I made a very simple Christmas dinner for my family. I made fried rice, fried bee-hoon (vermicelli) and some mini dumplings and popiahs.

For the dumplings' and popiahs' fillings, I used the fried beehoon and fried rice.

Fried Rice

Ingredients:
1. 3 cups of Basmathi rice
2. Thinly sliced garlic
3. 3 tablespoons of sunflower oil
4. 200g of large prawns (marinated with brown sugar, salt and pepper) (cut into pieces)
5. 200g of minced chicken (marinated with salt and pepper)
5. 250g of french beans (chopped into small pieces)
6. Sea salt
7. Pepper (optional)
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1. Pour about 3 tablespoons of sunflower oil into a heated wok and add the thinly sliced garlic.
2. Fry the garlic till slightly browned.
3. Add the minced chicken and fry till almost cooked.
4. Then add the prawns and french beans.
5. Fry till thoroughly cooked.
6. Add the cooked Basmathi rice and season with some salt.
7. Fry till fragrant.

Serve hot.

Fried rice

Fried Beehoon

Ingredients:
1. 500g of organic brown rice bee-hoon (soak in a basin of water until soft)
2. 3 big onions (sliced thinly)
3. 1 garlic clove (sliced thinly)
4. 1 carrot (cut into thin strips) (You can change this to a non-salicylate vegetable if you are not able to tolerate carrots)
5. 4 tablespoons of sunflower oil
6. 100g of minced chicken (marinated with salt and pepper)
7. 200g of large prawns (marinated with brown sugar, salt and pepper) (cut into pieces)
8. Sea salt
9. Pepper (optional)
10. 200ml of boiled water

-------------------------------------------------

1. Pour the 4 tablespoons of sunflower oil into a heated wok and add the garlic and onions.
2. Fry them until slightly browned/fragrant.
3. Add the carrots and continue to fry.
4. Add the minced chicken and fry until 3/4 cooked.
5. Add the prawns and continue to fry.
6. Add the beehoon and continue frying. As you stir-fry the beehoon, add the boiled water a bit at a time and continue frying.
7. Season with some sea salt and pepper and continue to fry until soft.
8. Serve while hot.

Fried beehoon

Dumplings & Popiahs

Ingredients:
1. 300g of all-purpose flour
2. 1/2 cup water
3. 1 teaspoon of sea-salt
4. Oil for deep frying

----------------------------------------

1. Sieve the flour and sea-salt into a large bowl.
2. Add the water a bit at a time while you stir the flour.
3. Mix until the dough becomes smooth. Add more flour if the dough is too wet and sticky. Add more water if the dough is too crumbly and dry.
4. Make about 10 small balls out of the dough.
5. Roll the balls with the rolling pin and make them as flat and thin as possible without tearing.
6. Add the fillings and seal them.
7. Heat the oil in the wok and drop the dumplings and popiahs in when the oil is boiling hot.
8. Fry till golden brown.
9. Place them on a bowl with paper towels.
10. Serve while hot.

Before frying

1st batch in the boiling oil

Yummy dumplings!

Some of the skins weren't thin enough. They were chewy. The thinner ones were crunchy. Will attempt this dish another time.

Bon appetit!

It's All About Buckwheat

I ran out of home-made bread and buns. I was one very hungry person this morning. So I made biscuits, buns and bread today. And I plan to have my bread for breakfast tomorrow with my soya+oats milk! Yummy!

Here is the recipe for the food I made today.

Ingredients:

1. 1 cup of buckwheat flour
2. 1 cup of wholemeal flour
3. 1 cup of high-protein bread flour
4. A pinch of salt
5. 1 tablespoon of dry active yeast
6. A teaspoon of brown sugar
7. A bowl of warm water (400ml)
8. Sunflower oil (1/2 cup)
9. 4 bananas

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Buckwheat Biscuits and Buns

1. Mix the brown sugar and warm water until the sugar has dissolved.

2. Add the yeast to the mixture and let it stand until the mixture becomes frothy.

3. Sieve all the 3 flours and salt into a large bowl.

4. Mix the yeast mixture into the flour mixture and start kneading.

5. As you knead, add in the sunflower oil a bit at a time.

6. Take out 1/3 of the (not fully kneaded dough) and place it in another bowl.

7. Continue to knead the remaining dough until it is smooth.

8. Cover the bowl with cling-wrap or a damp towel and let the dough sit for 1 1/2 to 2 hours until it has doubled in size.

9. Divide the dough into half.

10. With the first half, make lots of tiny balls out of it. Then take some flour and roll it between both hands until it resembles a baby snake.

11. You can also make snail shapes too. Just turn the long strands around until it resembles a snail.

12. Place them on baking trays and bake them at 180C for 40 minutes or until crunchy and crispy.

13. When these are in the oven, take the remaining half of the divided dough and make balls the size of a tablespoon. Place them on another baking tray.

 Before baking

Fresh from the oven

14. These are baked at 200C for 25 minutes.

Banana Buckwheat Bread

1. Mash the bananas and add them to the 1/3 dough which was separated into another bowl.

2. Mix the mashed bananas and the dough together and knead it until it is smooth.

3. Pour the mixture into a greased tin or a tin lined with foil.

4. Bake this at 200C for 25 minutes or until browned.

Today's buckwheat baking accomplishments! I will be trying buckwheat pancakes and pasta noodles on another day.

How To Prepare and Cook Home-Made Fish Balls

This post is about how to prepare the fish balls before cooking them.

1. Defrost the fish meat which was prepared and kept in the freezer.

2. Add some all-purpose flour, some sea salt, brown sugar, a dash of pepper and some sunflower oil.

3. Mix all the ingredients together with the fish meat.

4. Shape the fish meat into balls or squares or whatever shape you desire.

5. You can either fry them or boil them.

Bon Appetit!

Step 3

Step 4

Step 5
I fried the fish balls with sliced potatoes and big onions.

If you missed the post on how to make chemical-free home-made fish balls, here's the link:

The Making of Chemical-Free Home-Made Fish Balls