2012 - A Year of Reinvention

Change. How I hated that word. How I struggled with the implementation of that word. How I tried to avoid being in situations of change. I had to learn it the hard way, where change is concerned.

2012 is finally here. And no, the world did not come to an end. But something did come to an end. And it was the year of 2011. And for me, 2011 was a  year of unending struggles, pain, severe depression (till I had actually broken down, burst into tears and bawled at my physician's room) and unending reactions to anything and everything.

It was during these six weeks of the year-end school holidays that I worked towards change even more. Mind you, I have already 'changed' where my lifestyle, my beliefs, and my attitudes are concerned. But changing alone wasn't enough. I had to reinvent myself.

How does one with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis reinvents oneself? By being more flexible, more graceful towards change and more open to 'bumpy rides'. And being a mother with IA to a six-year old boy, I have had to reinvent and transform (not only my life), but our lives. And that is not an easy task. And certainly not fair for my family. But it is necessary for my survival and it gives us the quality of life.

Tomorrow will be the day where we will be officially joining the mad, rat race. And not only will the little young man be facing school life in a totally new environment, his mommie too will be entering into uncharted territory. Driving at such early hours and to such a far distance is definitely not my cup of tea. And being a hermit for 33 months has made me very rusty where social skills are concerned. And being so sensitive to smells will put me in many 'unpleasant' situations. But I will make sure that I will take my medication every day.  And I carry tons of masks everywhere I go. I will learn to take it easy. AND sleep as much as I can.

We have been preparing ourselves for these six weeks. I made sure I ate a balanced meal EVERYDAY even though I did not feel like eating AND cooking at many times. I have made sure that my salicylate levels are kept at an absolute minimum. I made sure that my emotional state of health is healthy as possible. And for this past one week I have been baking whatever food that I will be needing for this week. This being Joel's first week of school will see me camping at his school for 7 1/2 hours a day. I will have to make sure that Joel is confident and not traumatized at being so far away from me for such a long period of time. I will have to reassure him that I will be fine and no, I will not drop dead with him not being at my side. I have done my part. I have done my best. And so the rest, is in God's hands.

As I am writing this, I do feel some trepidation. I would be lying if I said I was not anxious and afraid. But in reinventing my life, our lives, I have learnt that we cannot live in fear. The moment fear controls our minds, we have already lost the battle. Of course there will always be the thought at the back of my mind to whether I could have another anaphylaxis attack. But I refuse to let IA control my life to the point where I have to bow down to it and live with a crippled soul. I refuse to live a life full of fear having overcome Death. I refuse to be afraid in crossing this wide chasm where it feels as though I am walking on water. I refuse to shrink back into my hermit-shell and hide in fear. And by refusing to give in to fear, I have reinvented my life. And that will be my journey, our journey for 2012.

33 months ago was
The Day I Met Death