Rest

For the first time in a very, very long time, it dawned on me that I had forgotten about how to rest. I am always on the move. I have this 'belief' ingrained in my brain that I could drop dead anytime or have another anaphylaxis episode or even a near-anaphylaxis episode. Therefore whatever that can be done today ought to be done today. Not tomorrow. Life is short!

In the process, I have become a never-ending-chugging-train. Always on the move and always on the go. I think I have become the rabbit in the Duracell advert. Non-stop, non-stop and non-stop. Hence, instead of 'thriving', it became striving. I became antsy whenever I sat down and did nothing! 101 things will flood my mind on what needs to be done. I had become the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland constantly running in a harried and hurried manner.

And so I needed a wake-up call.

On Sunday evening, I was in the garden harvesting siu pak choys for our dinner when the Neighbour at the South-West direction started to cook 'vinegar pig's trotter'! You see, vinegar is my number one enemy. About 2 years back, the three of us went to a Chinese restaurant to eat. I of course brought my own food. But I ordered some plain, white rice from them. Before I could even reach home, I was already having a terrible reaction. It was a near-anaphylaxis attack which resulted in a tingling sensation in my fingers and feet and numbness in all my joints for a few weeks. It was months later that I discovered that chinese restaurants add vinegar to the rice to make it fluffy and tasty! Talk about being ignorant. I had thought white rice was safe!

Back to Sunday's incident. The smell was so strong and pungent that the only mask that could save me was the gas mask that the soldiers use in chemical warfares. It was just too strong. It smelt as though the cook had used 10 liters of black vinegar. And it wafted into the house. Of course I quickly finished my harvesting of vegetables and ran into the house as fast as possible. But the smell was already seared in my brain. And it is still in my brain today! I started to feel 'sick' after an hour of being exposed to the vinegar. The insides of my ears felt swollen. I prayed so hard that it would not end up in an anaphylaxis attack. It did not and I went to bed four hours after the exposure feeling grateful that nothing disastrous had happened.

Monday 5.50am

I woke up with my mouth filled with ulcers/blisters. On my tongue, in my mouth and at the back of my throat. They came out overnight. It hurt like hell. I could not swallow. I had thought that my throat was closing up. I quickly checked my BP. It was normal. I checked my throat. It looked normal. Other than the pain in my mouth, I was fine. I could breathe. No sensitivity-induced-migraine-from-hell. I tried to continue on with my daily routines but I was constantly distracted by the excruciating pain. Eating became a nightmare. So was swallowing saliva. And even drinking. And so was talking.

But I persevered on.

Tuesday

I went to the market to buy some fresh fish as the freezer was devoid of them. By the time I got back from the market, the insides of my ears swelled till they felt like they were stuffed with golf balls. And I could still 'smell' the vinegar smell. And the ulcers were killing me.

But I persevered on.

Wednesday

I totally crashed. The little young man fell sick too. And he had to stay back home. I couldn't wake up. I couldn't function. I moved so slow like a tortoise. The pain had taken a toll on my body. My blood pressure plunged after lunch. I was so dizzy that I fell into a drowning sleep that lasted for four hours. It felt as though I had a mini hurricane in my head. My brother was at home, so I wasn't too worried if an anaphylaxis were to happen. And the little one played by himself entertaining himself with his building and creating games for four hours while I totally zonked out. But he came and woke me up one time and asked me, 'Mommie, you are not going to die, are you? Should you go to the hospital?' I think I mumbled something like I needed to sleep and I would be fine. And no I wasn't going to die. And then I fell into the drowning sleep again. I felt better during the night but my BP was on the low side which was 93/78.

In a way, Joel falling sick is a blessing. I dare not imagine what would have happened if the drowning sleep had struck me while I was behind the wheel. Things do happen for a reason. And though sometimes we do not understand why they happen, it is best to flow along with it.

Thursday

I am a wreck. Pain is my shadow and my constant companion. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am even drooling as I can't close my mouth because of the ulcers. I should be wearing a bib!!! My nerves are frazzled. My ears feel as though they have been boxed at.  I'm bloody irritated and tired and weary from fighting the pain. Chewing food = chewing nails. My teeth hurt. My gums hurt. I want PAINKILLERS! God, the things I would do just to be able to take paracetamol. My mood is like a roaring T-Rex.

I realised that I am like a warrior who has been constantly on the battleground for almost 3 years now. Weariness, exhaustion and fatigue crept up on me, the seemingly 'hardy and tireless non-stop machine'. Even when I sleep, my mind is on alert in case  'anaphylaxis the enemy' creeps upon me and bludgeons me to death.

Thus, I am going to take a step back and just learn to be still. While I am in a storm, I will learn to be calm. While my soul is exhausted, I will learn to rest. Though I am feeling weary, I will allow myself to be refreshed. And when I am restless, I will learn to be still.

Therefore, I will just do it. By resting, I will thrive, in a different way and life would definitely be more 'perfect'!!

 Let's see how SOON I can practice what I preach! (nyuk nyuk nyuk!)