Happy 1st Bloggersary!

It has been 1 year since I started this blog. Time truly flies.

This blog was the thing that brought me out of the deepest period of depression that I was in. I could express my deepest emotions and feelings which I could not vocalize. This blog has helped me to find people like me all cross the world which I cannot not do physically.

I have met so many wonderful people who are in the same boat as I am in. I have learnt so much from them. I have been encouraged much by them. I have grown so much where this area of my life is concerned. And yet after battling this condition for 42 months, I am nowhere near being healed. Yes, I have grown stronger. But I still react to salicylate in foods at different points in life, chemicals in daily products which have smells/scents. Even certain foods. But life goes on.

This year has been an amazing journey for me. Traveling approximately 50 kilometers everyday from Monday to Friday is no small feat for someone like me. But it is totally worth it as we have seen Joel grown in courage, confidence and boldness. Though he is afraid, he still manages to overcome his obstacles. Yes, he takes more time than other children. But he is an overcomer. Thus, that 50 kilometers a day for 5days a week, 4 weeks a month that I go through  is worth it. And Joel could not have done it without the help of the school's principal, Joel's teachers and counsellors. 

I have grown all the more sensitive where smells are concerned. I have even become sensitive to sanitary pads. And that has caused much misery, pain and frustration for me. For 5 months in a row, I have had infections after every period. The pain in the bladder was just too excruciating. The pain drained all my energy. And when the infections finally stopped, my period decided not to stop for 2 weeks. And when it did stop, I was exhausted. And it came again in 2 weeks.

My low blood pressure at times has given me hard times. And it has prevented me from driving as I could only lie in bed waiting for the plunge to be over. 

There have been times where I just crash in front of the TV till the wee hours of the morning and cannot get up to go to bed. It is as if I have been weighed down by shackles, strapped with an anchor the size of Titanic and thrown into the sea. The will to go on just sometimes get sapped out of me and I feel so trapped. At times, the gnawing desperation gets me. And when I sleep, I sleep in a phantom void and wake up more exhausted than ever. And when I do finally sleep, I have the same recurring nightmares. 

I'm exhausted at this point. Exhausted of fighting. Of not giving up. I had thought that being in the battlefield everyday would have somehow numbed my senses. But yet, my skin crawl every time I hear the sound of the battle horn. The weariness of putting on the armour, of arming myself. It came to a point where the armour had become me. I had become a warrior and nothing more. I lost my 'human' side. Somewhere along the line, other than fighting, I have forgotten how to live. I have somehow 'lost' myself. I had forgotten how to feel.

Thus, I became trapped in quicksand with everything being swallowed by the sand except my head. 

The thing about being trapped in quicksand is that the more you struggle, the faster you will sink. The trick is to stop flapping and flailing one's arms and legs. 

Therefore, I will stop flapping and flailing my arms and just relax and breathe. And by doing so, my body will float and once again, I will have found myself and be ready for another round of journey in the right to be alive. 

Not all that glitters is good. Not all rejoicing is real. Not all triumphs are triumphant. Not all pain is detrimental to one's soul. Not all quicksand will drown you. And many times, death does not kill you. 

Therefore, here's a very happy 1st blogger-sary to 'The Right to be Alive'. You deserve the birthday cake, candle, presents and the birthday wish.