Monday, 3 December 2012

Shit Happens!

On some days, you can be walking on the sidewalk and WHAM! You've stepped onto some pile of dog shit. 

Or the bonus or reward that you so deserve, is taken away from right under your nose and given to someone else who did not even bother to lift his ass up from the chair. 

Or calamity after calamity with no ending in sight.

Or that break from the battles of life which is so elusive.


And sometimes it seems to happen more to you than to others. But bear in mind that shit does happen to EVERYONE. Not just you. 

Here are some very entertaining Ideology & Religion Shit List to lighten up your day:

  • Taoism: Shit happens.
  • Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
  • Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
  • Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
  • Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
  • Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
  • Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
  • Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
  • Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
  • Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
  • Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
  • Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
  • Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
  • Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
  • Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
  • Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
  • Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
  • Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
  • Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
  • Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
  • Creationism: God made all shit.
  • Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
  • Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
  • Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
  • Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
  • Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
  • Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
  • Darwinism: This shit was once food.
  • Capitalism: That's MY shit.
  • Communism: It's everybody's shit.
  • Feminism: Men are shit.
  • Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
  • Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
  • Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
  • Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
  • Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
  • Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
  • Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
  • Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
  • Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
  • Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
  • Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
  • Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
  • Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
  • Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
  • Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
  • Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
  • Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
  • Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
  • Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
  • Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
  • Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
  • Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
  • Atheism: What shit?
  • Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
  • Nihilism: No shit.
  • Narcisism: I am the shit!
  • And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous:  Shit happens-one day at a time!
*taken from this link

And here's more shit happening to make you laugh...

SHIT HAPPENS in various professions
Mathematician:  Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician:   There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):  Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):  To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer:       I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
                Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
                Damn this shit smells...

Biologist:      Is this shit alive?

Botanist:       What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist:      I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
                          this shit.

Beurocrat:  I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill
                     out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our 
Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form 
CEO:       (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
                (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer:         For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor:         Take two shits and call me in the morning.
                       Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist:  Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
                             Let all that shit go.
                             This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon:        Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist:   Shit is in your mind.
                           Everything that happens is shit; some of it is 
                           just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer:     It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian:      The same shit happens again and again.

Politician:     It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
                       If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
                       Shit happening is bad for the economy.
                       My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

Waitress:       You want fries with that shit?

Teacher:        Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

Dean:           Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:     Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist:   What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
                   (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor:    I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer:         I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:   Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:     Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic:       Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef:           It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician:       This shit is out of tune.

Artist:         If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
                    Shit, I wish I thought of that.
                    Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet:       My childhood was shit, let me share.
                Ode to a Grecian Shit.
                My love is like a red, red shit.
                ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I

Developer:  Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance


SHIT HAPPENS to your pets

Dog:            All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
                    I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
                    When I catch a car, it will shit!
                    Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat:         Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
                Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
                Dogs are shit.
                I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in
                 the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish:        All I do is eat, swim and shit.
                Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake:    If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

Now did not all that shit just brighten up your day?