Container Garden - An Update

The garden is back on track again. I started sowing the seeds 3 weeks back and things are looking good at the moment.

The okras are growing well

Siu Pak Choy!

Even more okras!

Red Spinach!

Kangkung! 

Even more Siu Pak Choys!

Portulacas!

I pruned the Allamandas and they are growing better than ever. Can't wait for the beautiful yellow flowers!!

Light pink Periwinkle

Lovely Periwinkles!!!!

The secret to having fat vegetables and flowers (not to mention, WEEDS too, if you do not weed) is molasses. Buy the un-sulphured molasses from the organic shop. Use about 1 tablespoon to a gallon of water. You can even spray it on the vegetable leaves, fruits and flowers and you will see them blooming and prospering in size!

I tried this product a few months back and I feel that the result is almost the same as using plain old molasses which definitely costs much cheaper. This bottle cost me about RM30! And a bottle of 500g un-sulphured molasses is about RM6. The RM6 molasses can be used for a long time! I use it for my garden once a week.

Though this bottle above has seaweed, plain old molasses works just as well. I find that when I water either this or the plain molasses, the seeds sprout better and the seedlings grow faster. And they are stronger too! Give it a try.

The garden has been attracting a lot of bugs of late. And a lot of them are beautiful!

The beautiful dragon fly!

A very shiny bug on the pandan leaf

A ladybug on an unopened periwinkle flower

A butterfly drinking nectar from a periwinkle flower

I have no idea what this is.

Joel and I kept an Orange Dog caterpillar which metamorphosis into this beautiful Swallowtail butterfly!

We released it during the evening.

Rough Days

It started on Monday night. I felt dizzy and very light-headed and knew that my blood pressure was low. Sure enough, the reading was 93/68. I went to bed early and thought it was caused by the exhaustion of the three weeks of driving and being on my feet constantly at Joel's school. And then I had dreams about pain. Non-stop dreams about pain. And then I woke up at 2.30am and the pain that was in my head was excruciating. I wished that the pain could be exorcised out! I was having a severe reaction! I immediately got up and swallowed a tablet of Xyzal and Zrtytec each to stop it from escalating into an anaphylaxis attack. I woke my hubby up and he had to massage my head to numb the pain. The mouth started to burn and the usual reactions started manifesting. I even had my Epi-Pen on standby.

The only thing that I could think of that caused this reaction was the fish I had for dinner. I have noticed that sometimes fish can cause a near-anaphylaxis attack for me. Many months back I ate salmon and had an attack within 1 hour! But this does not happen all the time. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it does not. Maybe it is the histamine that is in the fish that is causing the reactions. And with the body being taxed out and exhausted, my immune system was more susceptible to a reaction.

I was in bed the whole of yesterday. I was very drugged and drowsy from the anti-histamines. And the stomach wasn't feeling too well. It always ends up with loose bowels and stomach upset and discomfort.

I was in better shape this morning. But then the pain in my head returned with vengeance before noon and the stomach was extremely queasy and in great discomfort. I could't finish my lunch nor dinner today. And the insides of my ears felt swollen. And the pressure build-up in both ears was so uncomfortable. I had actually planned to do lots of baking today. And the best part was the butter was already melting in room temperature and the dough was already mixed with yeast. I swallowed 2 Xyzals after my so-called 'lunch' and did the baking.

So these were what I baked today. And thank God they turned out fine and yummy though I wasn't feeling fine.

Marble, butter sponge cake

I used cocoa powder for the marble effect.

Twisty high protein bread

Who can resist home-made crackers? :)

I am really grateful that I have my writing to keep me sane when bad days strike. Days when I can't go out to the garden or when I have no songs to sing. I will be going to the hospital tomorrow to get a refill of my medication and also to get my ears checked out. Goodnight!

Life = Driving in KV (Part 2 - The Top 10 Drivers That You Meet On The Road)

The reason I titled it 'The Drivers That You Meet On The Road' is because there are drivers that you WILL meet on the curb, on the sidewalk, on the lawn, on car roofs and even in buildings. It is truly 'amazing' how the drivers of today drive their vehicles. One would have thought that as civilization advance, people would be more 'intelligent'. Possess more common sense. Sadly, that's not the case. In fact, common sense is becoming harder to find these days.

So here are the top 10 drivers that you meet on the road.

1. The Road Bully
This person is basically a coward. This driver needs to bully in order to feel powerful and strong. He thinks he is omnipotent. Sad to say, these type of drivers are pathetic. I am sure you have seen how the drivers of big vehicles bully the smaller cars on purpose. No matter which lane the smaller car turns to, the big bully overtakes and follows closely. Beware road bully, inside that small car could be a 'chili padi' driver! If you get burned by one, don't cry for your mamma.

2. The Tailgaters
These type of drivers get their kicks from sniffing other people's asses. They love to follow other cars' asses very, very, very closely and will do so until they smash into one. And they do so at high speed too. These type of drivers are fools, endangering not only their lives but the lives of others too.

3. The Gawkers
These are the drivers who gawk at every single accident (to obtain the number plate of the crashed car in order to buy their 'lucky number' at the 4D shop). Here gawk, there gawk, everywhere gawk-gawk! And a lot of times, these gawkers are the ones who hold up traffic, causing massive traffic jams and also sadly, accidents.

4. The Illiterates
All of us who drive must have gone through some sort of compulsory class and training and exams right? Does this not mean that every driver has been taught the functions of the car gadgets and road signs? But nooooOOOOO!!! Drivers cannot understand the no u-turn sign, no-entry sign, no parking sign and cannot seem to fathom that they have to signal when they want to cut lanes, turn or stop.

5. Sir Honks-A-Lot
Honk! Honk! HONK!!!!!! It is like the honking is music to their ears. I honk you! You honk me! We all honk-honk each other. The more honks the merrier! We all honk together-gether!!

6. Miss-Brakes-A-Lot
Need I say more?

7. The Road Hoggers
These are the drivers that drive at snail-pace on the express lane. Exactly my point. They choose to drive the slowest they can at the fastest lane on the roads. Maybe they get the thrills that they are irritating every driver on the third lane or somewhere in their mind, the fastest lane is supposed to be the slowest. Or they can't tell the difference between fast and slow.

8. The Sleeping Beauties
It is truly amazing how these type of drivers can drive with their eyes closed! Amazing. They must be some kind of mutant that have eye-lids which are somehow transparent. I mean, I can't drive with my eyes closed you know.

9. The Multi-tasker
I think these drivers are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! Can you imagine applying on mascara and eye shadow while driving on our 'evenly tarred road'? And how some drivers can be watching the DVD in the car while driving? Or SMS-ing while navigating through heavy traffic, or even while flying at break-neck speed? Wow! These people must have been born with an extra set of brains and eyes and hands too.

10. The F1 Drivers
These are the Michael Schumacher and Kimi Raikkonen wannabes and the road is theirs to weave in and out at their whim and fancy. For these wannabes, there are no rules, no regulations nor pit stops.

I am sure that almost all of us have met the 10 drivers stated above somewhere along in our driving lives. And I am sure that all of us have met people like these in our lives. The boss who bullies his people into submission. Or the doctor who bullies his patients into believing that there is no such thing as being 'allergic to chemicals'. The people who hold you up in life, irritate you with incessant 'honkings' as in endless whininess and complaining about how their life suck and drain out every single positive ion and atom out of you. The people who couldn't give a damn that their behavior or doings would affect your life and cause much trouble for you. And especially jerks who purposely slow you down so that they can cause you misery, stress and pain. And then gloat about it. Well, that will be another post for me to write on.

Coming soon: Life = Driving in KV (Part 3 - The Top 10 Stupidest Statements That Spew Out Of The Mouths of Drivers)



Life = Driving in KV (Part 1)

The Glorious Heavens (Part 8)

'A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed... It feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.' - Richard Bach

'There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.' - G.K. Chesterton

The last evening of 2011

A jet in the far distance

'Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.' - Rabindranath Tagore

Joel = Breakthrough By Leaps & Bounds

The Joel during the 1st week of school was terribly lost and fearful. But even with his fear he was brave.

The Joel during the 2nd week of school was still lost and fearful. And he broke down somewhere during the middle of the week and had a panic attack which caused him nausea and difficulty in breathing.  The counsellors were called in and they had to remove him from the class and took him to the 'play room' where he could relax and calm down and get over his fears. These group of people are certified professionals. They connected with Joel and touched base with him a few times a day. In this way, he has people whom he can turn to while he is in school when I am not around.

The Joel during the 3rd week of school was ASTOUNDING! He overcame his fears. He became so at home at school. And bold too. His teachers and counsellors were amazed at his progress. My hubby took over sending him to school in the morning during the middle of 2nd week as I had become so exhausted that my sleep became even more interrupted during the night. I even fell asleep in the office while waiting for Joel to finish school.

At first Joel was very frightened on his own. I made a tiny card that stated 'Mommie and daddy loves Joel very much!' for him to carry in his shirt pocket. And one of his teachers suggested that we put our pictures at the back of his tag which he hangs around his neck so that he could look at us when he misses us and feel better. And then I started Whatsapp-ing him while they were stuck in the jam. And after the jam, either he would call me or I would call him and we would continue our conversation until he reaches school. I also gave him a tiny, little notebook which is placed inside his pencil box. I started a story and he would continue it when he arrives in school and then I would continue it at night and he would continue it the next day and so on and so forth.

Joel became confident and has been very at home in school. His teachers say that he enjoys school and has been participating well in his lessons and games. And he did something which I did not expect. I had signed him up for martial arts during school hours. He decided that he wanted to take part in the gymnast class as he wants to learn to walk on his hands and do stuff that a male gymnast does. He went to the teacher and told him he that he wanted to go to his class. And he did this ON HIS OWN! And when I asked him to why he did it. He said this, 'I wanted to try it out first. And if I do not like it at least I have tried. But after trying it out, I have decided that I LOVE the class very much and I will continue to be in this class.' Amazing. He is really a brave boy. And he insisted on staying back after school hours for extra swimming classes.

These 3 weeks have been a great stretch of faith for me. I drive about 300 kilometers a week! I don't think I travelled 300 kilometers in these 3 years since I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis. I am exposed to all sorts of smells and chemicals at Joel's school. I have met wonderful teachers, people, parents and students. And I am in one piece. I am happy and peaceful. What's more to say? This year is going to be a truly amazing year.


2012 - A Year of Reinvention

A Challenging Day!

A Setback

A Day of Progress

Life = Driving in KV (Part 1)

Life can be akin to driving in the Klang Valley (KV). You need to be bold, fearless and full of courage. You need to be prepared to get lost as the signboards are totally 100% informative. In life, you WILL get lost! Everyone gets lost at some point of time in their life. What works for others does not necessarily works for us. Just make sure that you have a handphone and a tank full of petrol. As there are traffic jams everywhere and at any time of the day, make sure you empty your bladder before embarking on your journey, have some snacks in the car and again, make sure your petrol tank is full. In other words, prepare yourself before you go on life's colourful journey.

Driving in KV requires full concentration as there are constantly emergency brakes. The reason? We have lots of gawkers, sleepy drivers and drivers who are permanently entwined with their gadgets. Or should I say handphones. Many or rather most of the drivers today have eyes that are glued to their phones rather than on the road. And when emergency brakes occur, they are not alert enough to avert a collision. Accidents are a normal occurrence in the KV. It is a daily affair. And yet, drivers still do not learn. In life, we should have our eyes on the road of our journey. We need to pay attention to what is happening in our life. If you see a breakdown coming, take a break. If you see a collision in front of you, don't continue head on. Put the brakes on and STOP! And stop whining about wasting those 5 or 15 minutes. Be thankful that you have your life. Be grateful that you are intact! Unharmed. Alive.

I remember how my dad would sit next to me for the next few months after I had obtained my driver's license to guide and to teach me how to maneuver the car. I remember very clearly what he told me about driving around bends and big turns. He told me how my body should flow along with the turn. And if I turned to the left, my body should incline towards the left. And if I turned to the right, my body should incline towards the right. It is true that we should go with the flow in life. We should never be rigid. By inclining ourselves toward the direction that life takes us, we will be able to adapt better and to steer life in an easier manner. Why don't you be rigid when you drive the next time and try to turn that sharp bend and let's see how well you maneuver it.

To be a mature and experienced driver takes time. It is the same with life. It takes time and maturity for one to be able to handle life's unexpected hiccups and bumpy rides. If you give up on driving, you will get nowhere. Oh yes, you can always rely on our 'efficient' public transport which will cause you endless delays and many times not arriving at your destination at all. And if you give up with life, you are as good as dead. Of course shit happens. Unexpected bangs from the back or side. Breakdowns. Tyre punctures. Shattered windshields by flying pebbles. What will you do then? Give up on driving? Give in to the fear of being smashed again? Take the public transport and get derailed, delayed or not ever arriving at your destination?

The more you drive, the better you will become at it. The more you live your life in an alive manner, trust me, you will excel in life. Someway or another.


Coming soon : Life = Driving in KV(Part 2:The Top 10 Drivers That You Meet On The Road)



Robinson Crusoe's Friday

The Number Song

One, two, three, four, five
You need to be kicking and alive
All you need to do is to just dive
And once you're done, you will have your life

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten
You don't ever need to pretend
To be the great Superman
To fight the boogeyman

Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen
In three years, many things I've seen
And I know fear is like gangrene
Once it infects you, your life will be far from serene

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen
Wallowing in defeat without fighting is obscene
You need to be a lean, mean fighting machine
Then you will be known as Victorious, The Queen

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty
If you want freedom badly
You will fight for it daily
For not doing so is folly

Sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety
In life we need esprit
Though at times, life can be crappy
It too can be chirpy

One hundred is the targeted goal
Just make sure you do not fall into a manhole
Or get caught in a sinkhole
For there will be occasional hellholes
Just don't loose control
Or even your soul
And you would have scored your first goal
And realize that you have been made whole

Container Garden - An Update

Things in the garden came to a standstill due to the excessive rain. Nothing survived in the garden. I ripped everything out and amended the soil with compost and organic sheep manure. The sun has only started to shine more recently and believe me, it has been scorching hot of late.

I have sown okra seeds, bi-color corn seeds, siu pak choy seeds and red spinach seeds. Most of them have germinated. During the rainy season, I propagated MORE periwinkles as they are really beautiful flowers. The Oleander Hawk moths/caterpillars love them too. Of late, the cuttings did not survive. Root rot killed them. Only the periwinkles that grew from seeds survived.

 I am also attempting to make my own compost. I have lots of kitchen waste. They are put to good use. And I do not need to pay a bomb to buy compost. It will take 3 to 4 months for the compost to be ready. I am doing this in staggering stage.

Oleander Hawk Caterpillar

Compost in the making.

Orange Dog Caterpillar

A sea of Periwinkles

A new lemon tree (in seedling stage)

It's all about Okras!

The 1 year + lemon tree

The baby orange tree (with weeds!)

A butterfly drinking nectar from a Periwinkle flower

Spinach!

Kangkung

Garlic and Onion Chives

Jasmine flower against the blue sky

The Glorious Heavens (Part 7)

'Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste the sky as well as the earth.' - Henry David Thoreau

Robinson Crusoe's Friday

It was a long time ago that I had thought of life as a sailing ship in relatively smooth seas. I had believed with all my heart, soul and mind that God would deliver me from all my troubles, sickness and battles in life. That was what I was taught in church. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the ship that I was on would be shipwrecked. Never would I have thought that I would be in that vast, deep, blue sea. And how I survived floating for months in that shark-infested waters. And then finally I was washed ashore to an island so remote that the companions for the remaining of my life would be the sand, sea and sun. Not my ideal way to spend the rest of my life. I prefer snow, snowmen and snow angels. The best part? I am unable to swim. Don't ask me how I survived. It's a miracle.

I fell into the depths of despair. I became devastated that the life I once had was now just a fragment in my mind. Neatly tucked away at the back of my mind. Or whatever that is left of it. For months and years my soul was one with depression. For months I contemplated with walking into the deep blue sea to end it all. I existed for the sake of existing. If you had seen me during the early days back then, you would see the anorexic condition of my soul and spirit. The eyes of my soul protruding out of my eye sockets. The gaunt look that was me. Emptiness crawling out of my heart. Silence continuously screaming in my head.

It was one of the days that as I was washing my face at the stream that I saw my reflection in the waters. I really SAW what I had become. Unrecognizable. I didn't know who was staring back at me. Those haunted, vacant eyes were dead. I was dead. In defying Death, I realized that I did not cheat Death after all. Death was alive in me.

And so for the next few days, I contemplated on how to live my life on this solitary island. I vowed to myself to learn to live life from scratch. I learned how to make my food from scratch. I learned how to plant my food. I learned how to live a life that is alive. My soul started healing. I got my spirit back. And I know that the perception of the God that I used to worship was wrong. Do I still believe in God? Yes, I do. But I can never view Him in the same manner again.

It was during the time before the arrival of the savages that I learned how to fight in combat. I knew in my heart that one day, this would come in handy. I made weapons for combat. And I practiced. And then, one fine, serene morning, they arrived. I snuck under a bush to observe what the savages were up to. They had about ten slaves with them. And they let them loose to run for their lives before being hunted down and slaughtered like animals. And once the savages succeeded, they howled with victory and ate their victims on the spot. Some of the slaves were to afraid to run. And they died without attempting to fight for their lives. Some did try to run, but they were no match for the savages. Two of the slaves managed to kill the savages. And then I saw one of the slaves running for her life and a strong sense of deja vu washed over me. I pursued her and her attacker. As the savage was about to attack her, I killed him with my spear. And he dropped dead on the spot. When she turned around, I had the greatest shock of my life. She was ME! I had finally found myself. It took the shipwreck, miraculously surviving in the shark-infested-water, being washed ashore on this remote island, going through severe depression, finally coming out of it and months of preparation and fighting savages for me to finally meet myself. When I looked and saw all the slain savages, they had transformed back into their original form. And they were depression, despair, pain, fear, discouragement, and death.

Life has a peculiar way in bringing you back to the exact point where you had gotten lost. And most of the time, how you find your way back to the right path is really ambiguous. There is no wrong or right. There is no 'You should' or 'You ought to'. It is every man for himself.

For now, my time is still on this island. I still have much to learn. As Robinson Crusoe and Friday were rescued from that island, I too will leave this island one day. And I will cherish this island and the journeys and lessons that it has taught me. Because of this journey, I have found myself, my life and the meaning of life that no church could have taught me.

When the time has come for you to meet YOUR Friday, set him free. Set him free from the savages. For in doing so, you will set yourself free. Kill the savages of depression, despair and death and you will finally have met yourself.




34 months ago was 
The Day I Met Death


2012 is
A Year of Reinvention

A Day of Progress

Yesterday was a great day. Joel was very much better, braver and took the initiative to talk to his new classmates. And I did not need to wait outside his classroom yesterday! YAY! Hip-hip-hooray!!! I can't wait for the day where he is brave enough that I do not need to camp at the school. I have so much to do. I have not finish my writing. My garden needs its gardener. My bread and biscuits are dwindling in numbers!

I do not know whether I have grown 'immune' to the sickeningly-sweet-strawberry-smell that seems to permeate the air or my immune system have somehow grown stronger. But I am not taking any risk. I wear 2 or 3 layers of masks. I take my anti-histamines medication everyday. I sleep before 10pm every night (except tonight!) I make sure that I eat a very balanced meal everyday. And with all this walking back and forth from the office to the class during these 3 days, I think I have walked all the way to Singapore.

School yesterday was only half-day. I think yesterday was the first time in a VERY long time that the first thought in my mind immediately upon waking up was, 'Thank God it's Friday!!!!!'


34 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

&

2012 is a Year of Reinvention

A Setback

Sleep for me was still  a bit disruptive. I think I was too exhausted. I thought I had slept through the night and had woken up at 5am until I saw that the time was only 1.10am!!! This phase will definitely need some time getting used to. Not only for the little young man, but also for the mommie. The night before was worse. I woke up at an interval of every two hours.

Joel is worse off today compared to yesterday. He was extremely clingy, very emotional and very fragile emotionally. He cried a lot and begged me to stay with him. He broke down many times today. He told me that he wants to be with me forever. And that he wants me around even when he grows old. This new chapter of our lives will definitely take more time than I had initially thought. But despite of his fear, he was still very brave. He could think and answer the teachers' questions. He participated in the class discussions. He walked to the cafeteria with his classmates without me. He asked the teacher's permission to go to the toilet and went by himself. I taught him how to lock and unlock the numeric lock for his locker and he could do it very well. I was observing him without him being aware of my presence. So the little young man is extremely brave despite of his fear. And I am very proud of him. It was during moments where I have to leave his side that he panics. His class teacher told me that he asked whether I was ok and whether I was still in school when he could not see me.

I am hiding in the admin office as usual as I am writing this post. I have written to the principal and assistant principal asking for more time and they have given me permission to hang around longer than is allowed. The teachers and people who work here have been very helpful and understanding. I am PATIENTLY waiting for Joel to overcome his fear and insecurities. I am very tired today and it is showing as the principal said that I look exhausted. I can't wait for Saturday. I want to sleep.


34 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

A Very Challenging Day!

So we made it to school early today. I cooked my food last night and left it in the electric pot on 'Keep Warm' mode. I woke up at 5am and boiled fresh rice and got ready. Got the little young man up at 6am and we left 10 minutes before 7am. Not without some minor hiccups though.

The little young man is braver than his kindy years. He is still nervous but overall very much bolder. He just needs a bit more time to build up his confidence. He needs a bit more time to be assured that his mommie would be fine when he is away from her. With a bit more time, patience and love, he would be fine. Time and patience is what he needs.

For me, it was an extra challenging day. The toilets reeked with the smell of cleaning detergents with the power of an atom bomb. I went in and came out in less than a minute and I could smell it in my brain even after 12 hours. I could taste the chemical-laced-strawberry-smell on my tongue. I searched for 'odour-less' toilets but all of them reeked with this horrible chemical smell. I even had to throw away the masks which I wore as the masks were saturated with it. So I spent my time walking around the school 'sniffing like a dog' for safe places to hide. And then there was some renovation which was still going on. And the paint and lacquer smells were horrendous. And the cafeteria's food smell was wafting through the school. It was 'Here smells, there smells, everywhere got smells. Evelyn cannot stand the chemical smells, Ee-yai, Ee-yai ooooh!' sung to 'Old McDonald Had A Farm' tune. 

I swallowed an extra tablet of Xyzal today to make sure nothing untoward would happen. And I hid in the administration office. I wore my masks. Of course I had rude stares and one-kind vibes coming out from some of the parents. But I have gone through so much that my skin now is as thick as an elephant's hide. My health is much more important than what people think of me. 

I had written a letter to the principal in December telling him of my medical condition and that I would need more time than is allowed to be at school for Joel to overcome his separation anxiety. Up till today, Joel still asks to whether I have died if I run an errand extra long or if I am late in returning to him. In order for Joel to be confident in this new school, the teachers would need to understand why he is so clingy to me and that he need more time than other children. Like I said earlier, all he needs is time and patience in dealing with him. And so I managed to meet the principal in person today to explain to him about what Joel had gone through and what my life is like today. And the e-mail which I wrote to him would be forwarded to all the teachers who would come into contact with Joel. They would know how to deal with him once they understand what he has been through at such a young age. 

I have made friends with a few of Joel's classmates mothers. They were very friendly and nice people and we exchanged numbers. And I told them about my condition and the need to hide behind the masks. I used to be uncomfortable about sharing. But I am not anymore. Why should I? There is nothing to be embarassed about. If people do not understand, I can share and help others to understand this little-known ailment. Even the nice ladies in the administration office know about my condition and I am allowed to hide in here and wait for the little young man. I can go and check on him and return to this safe haven.

Being a mother with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis has humbled me and yet made me so strong in my soul. I am very grateful for the lessons it has taught me. And I am waiting for the day where I go into remission and when chemicals and salicylates would not affect me anymore.






33 months ago was
The Day I Met Death

2012 - A Year of Reinvention

Change. How I hated that word. How I struggled with the implementation of that word. How I tried to avoid being in situations of change. I had to learn it the hard way, where change is concerned.

2012 is finally here. And no, the world did not come to an end. But something did come to an end. And it was the year of 2011. And for me, 2011 was a  year of unending struggles, pain, severe depression (till I had actually broken down, burst into tears and bawled at my physician's room) and unending reactions to anything and everything.

It was during these six weeks of the year-end school holidays that I worked towards change even more. Mind you, I have already 'changed' where my lifestyle, my beliefs, and my attitudes are concerned. But changing alone wasn't enough. I had to reinvent myself.

How does one with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis reinvents oneself? By being more flexible, more graceful towards change and more open to 'bumpy rides'. And being a mother with IA to a six-year old boy, I have had to reinvent and transform (not only my life), but our lives. And that is not an easy task. And certainly not fair for my family. But it is necessary for my survival and it gives us the quality of life.

Tomorrow will be the day where we will be officially joining the mad, rat race. And not only will the little young man be facing school life in a totally new environment, his mommie too will be entering into uncharted territory. Driving at such early hours and to such a far distance is definitely not my cup of tea. And being a hermit for 33 months has made me very rusty where social skills are concerned. And being so sensitive to smells will put me in many 'unpleasant' situations. But I will make sure that I will take my medication every day.  And I carry tons of masks everywhere I go. I will learn to take it easy. AND sleep as much as I can.

We have been preparing ourselves for these six weeks. I made sure I ate a balanced meal EVERYDAY even though I did not feel like eating AND cooking at many times. I have made sure that my salicylate levels are kept at an absolute minimum. I made sure that my emotional state of health is healthy as possible. And for this past one week I have been baking whatever food that I will be needing for this week. This being Joel's first week of school will see me camping at his school for 7 1/2 hours a day. I will have to make sure that Joel is confident and not traumatized at being so far away from me for such a long period of time. I will have to reassure him that I will be fine and no, I will not drop dead with him not being at my side. I have done my part. I have done my best. And so the rest, is in God's hands.

As I am writing this, I do feel some trepidation. I would be lying if I said I was not anxious and afraid. But in reinventing my life, our lives, I have learnt that we cannot live in fear. The moment fear controls our minds, we have already lost the battle. Of course there will always be the thought at the back of my mind to whether I could have another anaphylaxis attack. But I refuse to let IA control my life to the point where I have to bow down to it and live with a crippled soul. I refuse to live a life full of fear having overcome Death. I refuse to be afraid in crossing this wide chasm where it feels as though I am walking on water. I refuse to shrink back into my hermit-shell and hide in fear. And by refusing to give in to fear, I have reinvented my life. And that will be my journey, our journey for 2012.

33 months ago was
The Day I Met Death