Just another four more months and it will be three years. ‘So how do you feel after 32 months?’ I was recently asked. Honestly, I really don’t know. But I do know that as I am writing this, I am very grateful to be alive, but I am also quite weary and tired. Weary of fighting for my life every single second of the day. Tired of hiding in my room after cooking food that is packed with salicyates for my family. Tired of running out of places that reek with chemicals. Tired of explaining the medical condition that I have over and over again. Many times I just feel like carrying a picket sign which says, ‘Leave me alone! I am fed-up of explaining myself. Just go read my blog!’ Ehehehe...
I want to be able to travel to all parts of the world. I want to go to the seven continents on this Earth and experience the beauty of this world that God has created and not just Google up pictures and visualize myself in them. I want to take my son to countries where there are the four-seasons so that we can watch the beauty of autumn, the vast colours of spring, built snowmen and make snow angels during winter and experience that the summer over there is worse than our hot days over here. I miss playing with snow!
I want to be able to savour all the wonderful food again. Not chemical food though. I don't think I could ever eat chemical-laden food anymore. But food with salicylates. I would love to eat curry, spices, and herbs without reacting. And not having to withhold myself for many days in order for the salicylate levels to reduce.
That being said, I have learnt a lot during these 32 months. 32 months have taught me resilience, patience, strategy thinking, and endurance. 32 months have made me a very strong person, and a fearless person. I used to be a person full of fear. Seriously, what can be worse than Death? And if you have ever stared at Death in its eyes, you will have nothing to fear anymore in this life. I have never shared in detail to what happened to me when I was hospitalized 32 months back.
When I was admitted for the first time in March 2009, I knew Death wanted my life. I was afraid. I mean, my son was only 4 years old! He needs his mother. I felt very lost. I felt very small. I felt VERY fearful. And I saw Death hovering outside my window. Mind you, I was 7 floors above ground. No one in their right mind would be ‘floating’ outside 7 floors above ground after midnight! And Death stared at me straight into my eyes. It was very displeased that it did not manage to rob me of my life. And Death told to me that it would be back. And then I saw Death flying up and down the building. Darting from left to right. It wanted lives. And during the middle of that night, there were two code blues. Code blue is used when a patient requires immediate resuscitation. And one of them was a child, who sadly passed away that night. I became even more depressed.
The following encounter has been shared on the first post of my blog. Death is really so cold that even the word ‘cold’ is an understatement to explain it. What I didn’t share was that as I was being rushed to the ER, my father who was at home, felt what I was feeling. He was feeling so, so cold and he behaved in a way that my mother thought that he was having a heart attack! And my father is one man who can withstand cold, believe me. And in his heart, he knew that I might not return at all. I could feel Death embracing me as I moved into that damp and darkly lit tunnel. The sound that Death is, is so extremely horrible and so shrill that it would cause every sound measuring equipment on this Earth to explode simultaneously. I honestly do not know why I did not experience that white light or to why I did not see ‘Heaven’. To all of you who asked me these questions, I have only one thing to say. I do not know and today, I don’t give a damn. Why? Because I came back and that my son has a mother, my husband has his wife, my parents still have their daughter and my brother still has his sister. I am just glad that I heard my husband’s voice calling me to return. The rest do not matter. In fact many things do not matter anymore.
32 months have taught me not to take life for granted. 32 months have made me view life in a totally different way. 32 months have taught me that slow and steady WILL win the race. And 32 months have taught me to be creative. If A does not work, there is B. And if B does not work, there is C. And I have until Z. And if Z does not work, I will create A.1, A.2, A.3 and so forth. And the choices are never-ending.
32 months have taught me to not give a shit of how others 'think' or 'feel' I should live my life. I know, and God knows, that I am living my life to the utmost best that I can and that is all that matters. And I will continue to learn the lessons in life as I 'trapeze' from one adventure to another.
And so after 32 months, I will attempt my first ever Haiku.
Clouds in the sky with
The rainbow, stars, moon and sun
Say life is awesome