I have become an expert where bull fighting is concerned. And yes, I have been gored many a times too many. ‘Bull fighting? Have you veered off the edge Evelyn?’ you ask. Oh no I haven’t. I am still very much sane, thank you. Let me tell you where I have been gored by this bull. I have been gored where my health is concerned, my stamina, my fighting spirit, my endurance, my will, my strength, my mind, my soul and my patience. This beast has never ceased and will never cease to breathe its breath of death down my neck. And it loves to stick its horn into my soul, twist me 'till I am contorted and distorted in pain and then throw me up into the air and when I come crashing down on the ground, it will gore me again to its heart content. And I have bled in exhaustion, in desperation, in exasperation and in pain. This bull has made me curse and spit bloody murder in its face too many times now.
I wasn't even a spectator to begin with. I was an innocent customer in one of the china shops far, far away from the bloody spectacle. And when I turned around, there it was staring straight at me in the eyes, snorting its breath of death from its nostrils. Of course I ran for my life. Who in their right mind wouldn't? It broke every single thing in the shop. It was a bull in a china shop! No matter where I ran or hid, I was hunted and found. And the chase down the cobbled pavements, running for my life, hiding and praying that it wouldn't find me would begin all over again. I have decided that I have had enough. I will run no more. I will tolerate no more attacks. Instead, I will cut off its horns and carve them into door stoppers and then slaughter it and make bolognese beef balls out of it to be served with pasta.
I will become a matador.
I will fight this 'idiopathic anaphylaxis' bull.
I will dress in red (though it is color blind). I will taunt it while it is still in the pent. I will play the 'Blue Danube', wave my flaming red cape and tempt it to come and get me while I skip around the pent. I will tickle its nose with my lance. And then I will go to the center of the ring and wait for the gates to open.
And so the bull charges!
I will then let the bull make a few passes and taunt it even more. And then I will run out of the arena and re-appear on my horse. Of course this will infuriate the bull even more. And it will lunge its horns into my horse. But I have prepared my horse with protection. It will not be disemboweled by the bull's horns. And when it lunges at my horse, I will stab the bull on its neck, which will lead to its first loss of blood.
Once it has been weakened and disoriented, I will stick two sharp barbed sticks into its shoulders. This will anger it and weaken it further. I will then exit the arena with my horse.
I will enter the arena for one final time. And I will use my cape and allow the bull a few passes. It is my intention to wear it down and to wear it down good. And when the bull is in the right position, I will stab it with my sword through its heart and end its life once and for all.
Bolognese beef balls anyone?