The Struggles of An Idiopathic-Anaphylaxis-Mother

Being a person with idiopathic anaphylaxis is already no easy feat. Being a mother WITH idiopathic anaphylaxis is a monster feat. Especially if the child is still young.

There were days and weeks and months where I could not function as a person, what more a mother. And yet, the little boy who calls me mother always has a smile on his face. And so I vowed to myself that I would be a better mother everyday. And yet on many days I fail. And many times, my temper gets the best of me. And so I asked my father to how I should maneuver about this particular difficult road. He told me that I would just have to push myself and go on for my son's sake. But many times before I can even push myself, I have already fallen off over the cliff.

Next year will be a very challenging year for me and the little one. He will be entering Primary One or First Grade. The distance of the school is farther, and we would have to be up earlier. And the drive would be very much farther and the school hours are longer.

Thus, for this six weeks of school holidays, I will have to continue to boost my immune system, control my diet even more and make sure that I will be in optimum condition by the end of 2011. I will also have to prepare Joel mentally that I would be fine with him being so far away from me for almost eight hours a day. You see, he is my little junior nurse. If I am in the bathroom a little longer than usual, he would knock on the door and ask whether I was still alive or dead. It is sad that it is already ingrained in his six-year-old mind that his mummy can drop dead anytime. And as a mother, (even though I shouldn't), I feel that I have failed in that area. A child who fears that when his mother goes out without him could possibly not come back anymore. A child who fears that when his mummy sleeps, she might not wake up anymore. And as his mother, this has been (and is still is) a struggle for me to be able to stand on my own two feet and yet at the same time, stand together with the little one and stand strong with and for him.

And so I have been trying to get him to understand (whenever he asks about death) that in this life, there is death. Of course, to his little mind, death is very frightening. And I have told him that I have and will continue to do my very best and trust in God to stay alive and well until he grows up and is capable to look after himself. His answer? He said that he wants me to be with him even when he becomes a grandfather! And he said that he will pray to God to keep me alive until that time! Oh no! I don't think I would want to live that long!!! Haha! Especially not with this medical condition.

Exhaustion has been around too often lately. The body just feels so tired. I always ask God to when will this fight ever end. And after every hurdle that I have jumped over, as I look back, I am amazed that I somehow managed to have a clean jump and not crash into the hurdle. And the even more amazing part is that the little one managed to jump with me and is jumping for joy that I made it through to the next round. And that makes this journey even more worthwhile.